State of Slim

My life has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs this year.  My poor husband has lost his father, and our family has definitely struggled.  How do we handle such challenges? We pray. We put our heart and faith in God to pull us through.  In all honesty, I also overindulge my emotions in my eating habits. This is not anything I have kept a secret. The stress of change, and loss has taken it's toll on me emotionally.  I have made really poor eating choices. I know where the blame lies. My issue is, I do not know how to pull myself out of this.  I have lost weight before, this is so much more than just weight loss.  I need to change my life, I need to want to change my life.

Let's start for my reasons for changing:

1. My children: I want to give them a positive example of health.
2. Health: I want to "feel" healthy. I lose my breathe bending over, I can't run, I physically hurt to just walk.  I have horrible heartburn and acid reflux.
3. Love myself. I want to love myself. I want to look in the mirror and feel beautiful regardless of my shape. I want to feel beautiful and not ashamed.
4. Live: I want to truly LIVE. I feel like I am just coasting on my emotional eating instead of truly indulging on LIFE not just FOOD.

How?  I have done paleo, low glycemic, calorie counting. All of these work if you stay dedicated.  However, the minute I allow myself a carb or a small amount of over indulgence, I just BINGE.  I cannot stop it seems.  I need to change my way of thinking. I need to refocus my life.

Every day is a NEW day!

Cccchanges!

My thoughts are a bit scrambled. Let me just spill it all out.

First,  God provided me an exciting new opportunity.  Looks like I will be the new Administrative Assistant to the Principal and Vice Principal of a charter school here in the Valley.  I will admit that the idea initially was terrifying to start another job again so soon.  However, I could feel the spirit in the interview. I  was definitely purposed for this opportunity,  Whoa!!

Secondly, I have been following a wonder Bible study program. It has really opened my eyes to so much, not always a pleasurable experience.  It is still a beneficial one that is for certain.

Thirdly,  I really LOVE my husband!  I mean sure he and I get on one another's nerves from time to time... mainly I get on his, and I get insecure and project my thoughts onto his.... however, I recently had the pleasure of looking at things from more than one perspective.  There are so many things that are hard about marriage. It is NEVER a dull moment, especially with children. However, it takes so much effort not to lose sight of why you had Fallen in Love initially.  There will always be times when you look at someone else's relationship and thing hah! They really have it down!  Love, affection, being considerate, then you realize that the people who you are watching.. behind closed doors, they resent one another. Belittle and speak down to each other.  They forgot the initial Love they had and they refuse to rekindle it.   Sadly, some do not know that it can indeed be rekindled.  I have known a few marriages that have fallen a part.  They both moved on and eventually, they refound the love the long lost right back where it began.  I fall in love at least once a week with my husband. Whether it is just him being him... I try to find things I LOVE about him, and I linger on those thoughts, and then I linger on our memories.

Fourthly,  my darling grand father is terminally ill.  William "Bill" Stout ....He has been for some time. Partially, old age, and also bladder cancer.  He has been such an amazing man to know.  Stubborn... well that's an understatement.  He had a ton of bark and though not much bite.  He loves his wife and family so dearly. If all i can take from the memories of him and my grandmother, they would wake up at the crack of dawn every morning... spend that one on one time. No TV, no children most days... I remember the few times I stayed over and I would wake up and find them chatting in the early hours of the day. It may not have been the ideal date night, or coffee date at starbucks, but it seemed so intimate in a non-sexual sense.  Beautiful....

Fifth... I just signed up for Weightwatchers.  Hopefully, I can lost 10 lbs and get my first 2 months back, but I really need a PLAN. A structured one, and I tried to create myself a plan, but I just keep self sabatoging, and Self medicating with FOOD. This plan gives me a coach, someone I can have support me.  My husband is incredibly supportive do not get me wrong.  However, when a spouse tells you not to eat something because you asked them to hold you accountable... you cannot help but want to punch them.. and shove 5 donuts down your throat.  Sigh... I know... issues.... big ones.

If you are interested in joining me in the weightwatchers journey click here-->  Danielle referred me!

Shrink

The world is spinning.
I am walking.
Nearly crawling....onto my next destination.
The weight is crippling.
The cold steel against my back of the anchor I cannot seem to release.
Sweat beading at my brow.
Every breathe a burden to slowly inhale, then to exhale.
It burns my throat... my lungs feel as though they are failing.

Out there... they just walk by.
They pay no mind to the crippled woman inside.
The scars....they aren't visible to all.
Only the ones who know...
The very ones that the same darkness follows.

Blinking back tears... I know it is pointless to cry.
Tears are supposed to have meaning. There is supposed to be a
cause and an effect.

No point in releasing any of these silent screams. No one ever really hears me.

Life happens and so does death

Our family has gone through some rough changes the last 2 years. We have held onto one another and have prayed. I want to say that we have come out of all of this just so joyful and stronger. We are certainly stronger in our family and our faith.

Personally, I am not ok. I am trying to lean on God. Let him handle all the pain in my heart.  I've looking for comfort. Looking to food, I won't lie about this struggle. I have caved to the desire of my heart FOOD.

Welcome to the dark side

I never said this was always going to be a ray of sunshine.  The truth is... there is a darkness that brought me to this way of life. Funny thing is.. I put on an awesome front. I am little miss positivity. Most people don't see the suffering girl inside. Only over the years and the lbs that have struggling to come off have been the main identifying factors.

Last night I had a dream. I had a dream I asked someone for help. This woman has helped me before, and she helped me get to a better relationship with my mother, myself, and my heavenly father. I called her today.  Scheduled an appointment with my counselor. It is foolish to think that you can always do things on your own. God provides people who he utilizes as tools to help you.  He brings beautiful angels into our lives who are thoughtful and selfless and that are doing kind things and expecting nothing in return.

As you can imagine, my point in writing this is I am having a hard time staying dedicated to my weightloss. I haven't gained really, but I am not budging on my losses.  I am an at a standstill and I am on emotional binging alert.  I wish I had more of a support network of people who understood how I feel. How at night when I look in the mirror with self pity and I sneak to the refigerator and just gobble a piece of pie or a handful of chocolate chips because all I have is those small moments of joy... which just disappears quickly from a rush of pleasure to an overwhelming feeling of guilt and defeat......  this is my struggle.

CONFESS! What day is better than a Sunday!

Today started out fairly healthy!  Until I went to my lovely nephew's birthday party too hungry!

I had a cheeseburger and a half and carrot sticks ( no bun)!  My weakness was the fruity pebbles treats and 1 1/2 cupcakes.... and an apple ale! NOM!

Sigh... Oh well!  Worse things have happened. I am going sip my little latte here and remember tomorrow is a new day.

This is a process and I am not going to win every battle with myself.  If I beat up myself like I normally do then I snowball and just turn right back to food.

Lesson learned for me today..... for the time being I am going to give up alcohol all together.  I cannot maintain my self control with it in my system.

Today is going to be short and sweet. Lesson learned... CONFESSION DONE.

walkin walkin.... eventually running...

So I have been trying to slowly without hurting myself walking 2-3 times a week.  Baby steps!  Trust me I am so not very patient with this since I used to be able to run 2 miles.  I was able to walk only 0.5 miles and then yesterday I got to 0.81 miles in 18 minutes.  Not my best time however, I pushed and made it that far.  I need to keep pushing!  My thighs are not thankful, but that is ok.  They will be soon enough!

There really are 3 components to healthy living:

1. A healthy self image!

2.  The proper eating guide.

• Proper portions: Protein, Vegetables, and healthy Carbs (MEASURE!)
• healthy snacks (again counting and actually measuring!
• Indulde a little!  No point in torturing yourself!  Enjoy in small bites!

3. MOVE!!!!  May not be a marathon but baby steps.

• Take the stairs.
• Walk your dog
• Run up and down the stairs 5 times

 TODAY IS  A NEW DAY!!!!!

The key is to live not deprive

My coworker noticed that I look like I am
looking thinner. My husband mentioned something to me the other night too. That means so much more than the numbers on the scale.  Changes that I have made have been both big and small...

• Walking.... every other day just 20 minutes at my kids/dogs pace.  The point is... MOVE... even just a little more than normal.

• Calorie counting... I stopped trying to give up everything. It was forcing me to quit too soon. I allow myself the things I love as long as i have made room and balanced healthy options throughout my day. 

• Setting reasonable goals.

I want to walk/run a 5k with my daughter this year.  This is something that I know will be memorable and mean a lot to her as it will me. 

Lose at least 25 lbs by December. I think that is reasonable and healthy. 

Teach my children not about weight loss but about healthy living. They are watching me make choices over foods that are healthy and unhealthy. I want them knowledgeable about the decisions I am making so they know they do not ever need to deprive themselves, but they should never over eat out of solace or boredom as I have been showing them.

The majority of my issue is mental... it is a sickness. I am addicted to food. I am a carb loving emotional eater.  The thing is I cannot live without food... however, I can control the food I eat and not allow it to control me!

Building momentum

The hardest part of this journey is maintaining the pace and building the momentum needed to succeed.  I was talking to someone the other day about one of my own personal greatest physical accomplishments. I ran/walked a half marathon which for me was AMAZING. I had never in my life thought I would be capable of such a feat.  I think back to that moment. I wasn't in the "best shape" but I was far healthier and more fit than my current physical condition.

Reminiscing on that made me realize I do not want it to just be a thing of the past. Something I did once, but something I can regularly accomplish. Perhaps one day something I can do with my children.  This is the mindset I need to keep to stay motivated.  Now to just get moving again. I have been procrastinating the exercise portion of my program. I just need to build my confidence in the food control then I can focus more on the burning calories.

This has me thinking of ways to motivate myself though....
Beginners Guide to Running I find useful

Today God answered that by sending my child. Brenya convinced me to go for a walk. The girls and i even jogged with the dogs a bit. It felt good. I didnt time myself and I just enjoyed myself.

We enjoyed ourselves and i have returned to the process of watching my calories again. This has overall been the most effective form of weightloss and lifestyle for me. I need that control to truly regain myself.  This week it finally clicked...it truly clicked. My truest motivation my girls!

Weighed in today at 180 lbs.  Its a start!

Confidence can be Created!

Sometimes in life we have to build our confidence by reacquainting ourselves with our ourselves.
I am battling some major self image issues. Obviously, this is why I began writing and trying to find the woman I was about 7 years ago. I was strong, confident, and fit. I quit smoking, I had lost around 60 lbs, and I was facing a divorce. I was not going to let any of those obstacles destroy who I was or my goals.

Where did she go?  She is in here... somewhere...

In the last 7 years, I've grown in my family life, and fallen deeper in love. I have attempted multiple times to build a career to get knocked down.  I defined who I was with that. A major mistake. Those "jobs" did not define me, just as I didn't define those positions. I made the mistake of trying to build relationships with co-workers, and managers just to realize that they could have cared less if I died or moved on. 

The things that do matter is this:

GOD LOVES ME.. LARGE or small, weak or strong, he will not turn me away.

My family loves me!  My girls look up to me, I need to be a better example on health, love, and our faith.  I need to show them the kind of faith they should have in GOD.  I need to teach them about confidence and knowing how to love themselves.

My husband loves me!  He still wants me regardless of my size. I am certainly not who I was the day he met me.  I look VERY different.  He still teases me, and flirts with me and loves ME.  Even when I try to push him away!

Here I am... trying to find reignite the Confidence I know that is inside of me.

Confidence... where can I get some?

Today I had a lovely Dr. Appointment. There is nothing like facing the truth like stepping on the scale and discussing the inevitable. I gained.... 188 lbs total give or take 3 lbs as it was late in the afternoon.  I discussed my emotional eating and how I find myself hiding and binge eating late in the evening.  I love that I have a physician that is all about helping me find a solution.  In the middle of our conversation I stated that I think the major issue is with me. I don't feel the confidence I used to have when I was fighting to quit smoking and lose weight.  7 years ago I was so strong. Today I feel weak and defeated.

I was demoted from a job I worked hard to achieve. I recieved verbal and emotional abuse.  I was overworked, and frankly isolated. ( I realize I am still trying to stop beating myself up, it was a failure but not on my part. I still cannot help but blame myself and pick myself apart)

I found a position I LOVED, worked for people I thought I had a reason to admire and wanted to look up to.  I was over worked, and I tried so hard to gain approval and find my self confidence again in a job.  Was I perfect? Absolutely not, but I certainly worked hard to grow and change and learn in an industry I had never experienced.  I received verbal abuse and felt I was never good enough. I never saw my family and yes that hurt my heart. It took a toll on my self esteem and my self worth.

Finally I have settled for a job I felt would be easy. I spend more time at home then I have in a long time. I am not as good at keeping up the housework, the kids, and the projects. I feel I am constantly failing and constantly failing at life.  It is a regular struggle, I am pulled in so many different directions.

This blog is not just a self pity session. It is a place to open my heart so I can move passed some of it. This is a way I can initiate a plan, to rebuild my self image.  I am not my job(s). I am not defined by my mistakes or failures. I learn from each of these experiences and I see God is moving to build my character not tear it down.

The doctor provided some resources to help me jumpstart my weightloss, and to assist me in relearing to love myself.  Depression is so real and so painful for even the happiest of people.  I am looking forward to regaining myself and my self worth.

I AM WORTH THIS BATTLE.

The point of this blog is accountability

The reality is I started blogging to hold myself accountable.  This is definitely not an easy assignment.  Have I been eating clean or even remotely paleo... well frankly NO.  My meals I have been very easy at the start of the day... then as the day continues on I am constantly fighting my cravings. I want desperately to lose weight and be healthy however, I am my own worst enemy. I cannot do this alone. I am not strong enough. I believe God is with me, but I am watching this extreme weightloss show and seeing how these people struggle with the same battles I am fighting alone.

My husband is incredibly supportive, but I DO NOT want my anger at myself to be focused on him. He does not deserve that!

We take our frustrations out on those closest to us, even if the true persom we are mad at are really the person in the mirror.  I failed this week. Which was incredibly hard to admit. I failed and I just went right into binge eating mode.

I tried to join an online group, I don't find people i don't know as a good form of accountability. I need something more "REAL" in my face.   I need to start taking a big step and changing my life:

Current Stats:

Height: 5'2
Weight: 185 lbs
BMI: 33.8

I am considered Obese and I certainly feel OBESE.  I am so disappointed in the truth.  It is ugly.

This is what I learned on http://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/assessing/bmi/adult_bmi/english_bmi_calculator/bmi_calculator.html

For the information you entered:

Height: 5 feet, 2 inches

Weight: 185 pounds

Your BMI is 33.8, indicating your weight is in the Obese category for adults of your height.

For your height, a normal weight range would be from 101 to 136 pounds.

People who are overweight or obese are at higher risk for chronic conditions such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and high cholesterol.

Anyone who is overweight should try to avoid gaining additional weight. Additionally, if you are overweight with other risk factors (such as high LDL cholesterol, low HDL cholesterol, or high blood pressure), you should try to lose weight. Even a small weight loss (just 10% of your current weight) may help lower the risk of disease. Talk with your healthcare provider to determine appropriate ways to lose weight.

“Just because you fail once doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything.” ― Marilyn Monroe

I had hoped this post would've come a bit further into my journey......

Well now or never I guess. I definitely am struggling with keeping to my plan today.  It seemed my ability to say no to donuts and carbs yesterday was not as strong today.  Let's face it... pizza is a definite weakness of mine... UGH!

No sense in beating myself up... I will do a restart tomorrow.  Just have to beat the new habits into my brain.

I have a few things on my mind today.  Like how to focus on something other than food to look forward to. I usually look forward to my next meal like it is disneyland!  Sad and very true. What else is there to look forward to?  I have a job which is well a job. I have 2 kids and  a handsome hubby, however, sometimes I wonder if that is all there is supposed to be. I have thought about having more children, but it seems I am very alone in that thought process.

I remember my pregnancy with Amira so very fondly. I felt amazing compared to my pregnancy with Brenya. I think knowing what to expect helped in that aspect, and I really only felt amazing after the first trimester. I miss feeling my little ones frowing. I miss watching my baby form into a little person. I love watching my girls interact now. They have amazing personalities and I think why not create more of these little beauties.  Hopefully this infatuation will leave me soon.

As for healthy choices... tomorrow will be a new begining.  I will keep restarting as many times as it takes to keep on track!  Health is more than the pizza I enjoyed today. It is every moment... It is movement. By the way... we did take the stairs today at the Discovery museum instead of the elevator to get to the car.  So there... that is definitely a win.

Don't give up...tomorrow is a new day!  

I am not what I eat!

We grow up in a society where we feed our desires... mostly with food, drinks, or other substances.
As a girl, there was no boundaries made for my eating habits. If I wanted candy I got some, if I wanted cookies.. I ate them.  Vegetables were out of cans and macaroni was as common to our dinner table as broccoli... usually served with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes.

I loved food... except peas... you couldn't force me to eat peas to save my life...still I will pick around them to this day.

Our eating patterns are learned. I am not saying my parents should have taught me to count calories or how to cut carbs. It would've been useful to understand and know the nutritional information on a box though, and to have known that not all veggies came from a can.  I don't blame them for their lack of knowledge. To this day they too struggle with healthy eating.  I want to break this cycle though. My girls are well.. girls. We obess over our looks and the way we feel in our skin, clothes. I cannot protect them from their own self image. I can however, provide tools to live a healthy lifestyle.  I can provide them knowledge.  I can help them gain an interest.. not in calorie counting, but information regarding what sort of foods fuel them, but not just teach them how to induldge.

I mean think of it... in movies a big break up... tv, tissues, and a quart of ice cream and a spoon to cure the ache in our hearts.  We are trained in society to heal our wounds with a sweet treat.

I stress.. I want a cookie.  I'm sad... I need and ice cream cone.  I'm hangry... MUST HAVE HOT FRIES.

Sure, it is nice to indulge from time to time... however, for me... it is a thin line.  I leap head first into over-indulgence... I spin out of control and before I know it.... 30 lbs in and I have a distorted mental image of health and happiness.

Thinking back.... I find myself wondering How did I go from 176 lbs to 130lbs during 2007-2008. I was miserable...I smoked... I counted every calorie within 2 inches from my mouth.  It worked yes... however, I'd rather not go back to smoking to curb my appetite. I'd rather choose to be healthy and not try to find the 130 lb woman, but get to a point that movement and running feels good again. Fina myself in a place that I wake up and look in the mirror and over analyze myself to find.. I am beautiful with my stripes of child bearing honor.  My goal isn't to squeeze into a bikini. I am trying to fall in love with me. Just as God has been so kind to love me... I want to view the beautiful woman he sees. Because frankly, most the time... I am pretty disgusted with my image.... In photos I want to just cry. I am embarressed to even think of climing in a pool this summer.

I would love to tell you that I am writing this just to encourage myself and others... sometimes we need to face the ugly truth to be able to push past it. THE UGLY IS.......I binge eat when my husband is in the other room. On my way home from work, or the grocery store if no one is with me I'll by a few things.. candy.. pastries.. I will inhale them before  I get to the front door so no one can see.  Shameful, I know.  I feel so good for a moment and then my guilt sets in.  It is NOT worth it... I need to believe that. I need to say that to myself daily.  It is possible... to say NO to a craving.

How refreshing...

Day 3:

Today was not as rough as I anticipated it to be. I definitely had my cravings, yet held out.
James has been awesome with handling my hangry attitude... He is even helping me to get more creative in the kitchen. He bought cauliflower for mashed cauliflower for dinner!  It is hard when you rely on food to bring comfort and joy. Whoa just typing that makes it real... kind of embaressing to be honest.

We are supposed to look to family, friends, activities, most importantly GOD to find the feeling of joy and comfort. Ridiculous as it may seem for many that I would seek this sensation from something as silly as a food... just think of how happy you are with a delicious large pizza with all your favorite toppings!  Perhaps it is a delish Venti Frappacino of your liking... 500 calories... insane amounts of sugar... so indulgent. <--- see definitely a problem.

Many of us build our whole life and day around the food we eat and the emotional state that each meal or snack will ultimately provide us regardless of the fact that it is only a temporary comfort.

Is my food obsession insane?  Perhaps... I am just crazy enough to admit it. I am so in love with FOOD.  It has replaced some very intimate parts of me... it has reduced my confidence in who I am by allowing me to break down my body for a temporary fix.

Try to recall a time, or photo that you felt truly beautiful.  It is funny... you will be suprised to see the image I think of.....

I was 100% healthy, confident, and I felt radiant. I ate healthy for Amira and I, and I only gained what was necessary.  I was so proud of that. I actually only weighed 165 lbs by the 9th month of my pregnancy. I currently weigh 185 lbs.  I truly am ashamed of what I have done to my body at this point.  Certainly time to face the music... and find the beauty within.

Day 2: A Beautiful Reflection

FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOODOOD FOOD FOOD

We need food to live. Nutrients, Vitamins, Proteins, we naturally desire food that will satisfy and meet our needs for survival.

GLUTTONY GLUTTONY GLUTTONY GLUTTONY GLUTTONY GLUTTONY GLUTTONY

At some point we took a need, a basic natural means of survival and turned it into a SIN.  We abused the very thing we rely upon to satisfy and provide life. We over ate, we under ate, we utilzed it as a form of stimulation.  It is human nature to take even GOOD things that have purpose to bend it to our own will. To satisfy selfish needs......

CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE
CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE

We crave carbs, sweets, salty, and unhealthy foods.  WHY?  Why is is in our nature to crave and desire these things.  Where is the emotional correlation between the NEED vs the WANT?

We need food yes... we want JUNK!  Though my body craves the sweets and junk... I know I do not need it.

Society is obese.. we have created various excuses for our obesity.  However, one reason is the only real reason. We are hungry for LOVE. We are ravenously hungry for acceptance. We abuse food because we can control the amount we eat. It provides a moment of bliss... and a lifetime of disappointment.

I crave love and attention. I crave acceptance and confidence.  Easy to look at me and say well just STOP. Let go of the cravings. Create an image you approve of and feel good about.  Truth is.. I have... over and over. I yoyo!  I will get to an ideal and beautiful weight.. and it is still not enough. I still don't feel pretty. I still fight depression... I still see a little chubby broken girl... pretending to be a strong and confident woman.

I want to see the woman God loves. I want to see the child who proudly blossomed into a beautiful woman.  How do I begin this journey?

I'll start with this.... Regardless of my weight, and my looks, God loves me wholeheartedly. He sees beauty that I am unable to see or identify with. I will pray for his vision... so that maybe I can get a glimpse of what he truly sees.  I am worth this fight. He wants me to live a long happy and HEALTHY life.  To show my beautiful girls how to feel and be healthy and confident. TO show them who loves them.

3 years makes quite a difference. It took me 2 years to get to this size after my second child. It took me 3 years of stress, and self mutilation to destroy what I worked so hard to do. I want to walk, and run and not hurt. I want to bend over and not be breathless. Today is again the first day... the hardest day. I may have many more first days.. This isnt about being THIN. It is about being healthy. I am a serious carb and sugar addict. Not to mention, I am the biggest emotional eater I have ever known. When my heart hurts so does my body. I abuse my body by over eating, I lose motiviation and I lose faith in myself. God sees the beauty in me, my children see it too. I can be the confident woman in the photo. God believes in me, and loves me regardless of my size. I know though that he wants me to be healthy and happy.

February 2012

June 2015

Step 1. Speaking the Truth

1. I am overweight
2. I use profanity freely.
3. I am insecure.
4. I have anger issues.
5. I am emotionally unstable. (Hence emotional eating)
6. I am a SINNER.

The above does not define ME. I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a daughter of God.  Admitting these things is not easy. It is not fun to see your flaws let alone admit them to the world.  I am incredibly scared of letting go of my crutch. Food is a crutch for me. It helps me cope with my emoional instability. It helps me handle my insecurities... the only thing is... IT IS NOT HELPING it is HURTING ME!

My heart hurts when I see myself in the mirror. My children don't see a healthy and confident woman. I want them to see what confidence is, so they can learn to be confident.

Today is the begining of a change. Regardless if the transition is a year long process or just a few months. This is the start of something beautiful!  I am BEAUTIFUL and I am worth the fight.  I trust GOD will help to show me how to be healthy, how to live a life that is full of love, health, and being a woman of God.  I am glad to share this with you.  This may not be pretty, it will most definitely not be easy.

Right now I am going to research a plan. A plan to relearn to eat for health and not for comfort.  Watching extreme weightloss has really shown me that these amazing people who are far larger and unhealthy. They beat the odds in a year. I can certainly do this as well. I am really trying to talk myself into this. I know I cannot live the way I have been living. My children and husband deserve to have a 100% healthy me.

Wish me luck, send me some prayers if you can.