Sunday, July 26, 2015

CONFESS! What day is better than a Sunday!



Today started out fairly healthy!  Until I went to my lovely nephew's birthday party too hungry!

I had a cheeseburger and a half and carrot sticks ( no bun)!  My weakness was the fruity pebbles treats and 1 1/2 cupcakes.... and an apple ale! NOM!

Sigh... Oh well!  Worse things have happened. I am going sip my little latte here and remember tomorrow is a new day.

This is a process and I am not going to win every battle with myself.  If I beat up myself like I normally do then I snowball and just turn right back to food.

Lesson learned for me today..... for the time being I am going to give up alcohol all together.  I cannot maintain my self control with it in my system.

Today is going to be short and sweet. Lesson learned... CONFESSION DONE.

walkin walkin.... eventually running...



So I have been trying to slowly without hurting myself walking 2-3 times a week.  Baby steps!  Trust me I am so not very patient with this since I used to be able to run 2 miles.  I was able to walk only 0.5 miles and then yesterday I got to 0.81 miles in 18 minutes.  Not my best time however, I pushed and made it that far.  I need to keep pushing!  My thighs are not thankful, but that is ok.  They will be soon enough!

There really are 3 components to healthy living:

1. A healthy self image!

2.  The proper eating guide.

  • Proper portions: Protein, Vegetables, and healthy Carbs (MEASURE!)
  • healthy snacks (again counting and actually measuring!
  • Indulde a little!  No point in torturing yourself!  Enjoy in small bites!
3. MOVE!!!!  May not be a marathon but baby steps.

  • Take the stairs.
  • Walk your dog
  • Run up and down the stairs 5 times
 TODAY IS  A NEW DAY!!!!!


Thursday, July 23, 2015

The key is to live not deprive

My coworker noticed that I look like I am
looking thinner. My husband mentioned something to me the other night too. That means so much more than the numbers on the scale.  Changes that I have made have been both big and small...







































  • Walking.... every other day just 20 minutes at my kids/dogs pace.  The point is... MOVE... even just a little more than normal.

  • Calorie counting... I stopped trying to give up everything. It was forcing me to quit too soon. I allow myself the things I love as long as i have made room and balanced healthy options throughout my day. 



  • Setting reasonable goals.

I want to walk/run a 5k with my daughter this year.  This is something that I know will be memorable and mean a lot to her as it will me. 

Lose at least 25 lbs by December. I think that is reasonable and healthy. 

Teach my children not about weight loss but about healthy living. They are watching me make choices over foods that are healthy and unhealthy. I want them knowledgeable about the decisions I am making so they know they do not ever need to deprive themselves, but they should never over eat out of solace or boredom as I have been showing them.

The majority of my issue is mental... it is a sickness. I am addicted to food. I am a carb loving emotional eater.  The thing is I cannot live without food... however, I can control the food I eat and not allow it to control me!

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Building momentum



The hardest part of this journey is maintaining the pace and building the momentum needed to succeed.  I was talking to someone the other day about one of my own personal greatest physical accomplishments. I ran/walked a half marathon which for me was AMAZING. I had never in my life thought I would be capable of such a feat.  I think back to that moment. I wasn't in the "best shape" but I was far healthier and more fit than my current physical condition.

Reminiscing on that made me realize I do not want it to just be a thing of the past. Something I did once, but something I can regularly accomplish. Perhaps one day something I can do with my children.  This is the mindset I need to keep to stay motivated.  Now to just get moving again. I have been procrastinating the exercise portion of my program. I just need to build my confidence in the food control then I can focus more on the burning calories.

This has me thinking of ways to motivate myself though....
Beginners Guide to Running I find useful



Today God answered that by sending my child. Brenya convinced me to go for a walk. The girls and i even jogged with the dogs a bit. It felt good. I didnt time myself and I just enjoyed myself.

We enjoyed ourselves and i have returned to the process of watching my calories again. This has overall been the most effective form of weightloss and lifestyle for me. I need that control to truly regain myself.  This week it finally clicked...it truly clicked. My truest motivation my girls!

Weighed in today at 180 lbs.  Its a start!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Confidence can be Created!



Sometimes in life we have to build our confidence by reacquainting ourselves with our ourselves.
I am battling some major self image issues. Obviously, this is why I began writing and trying to find the woman I was about 7 years ago. I was strong, confident, and fit. I quit smoking, I had lost around 60 lbs, and I was facing a divorce. I was not going to let any of those obstacles destroy who I was or my goals.

Where did she go?  She is in here... somewhere...

In the last 7 years, I've grown in my family life, and fallen deeper in love. I have attempted multiple times to build a career to get knocked down.  I defined who I was with that. A major mistake. Those "jobs" did not define me, just as I didn't define those positions. I made the mistake of trying to build relationships with co-workers, and managers just to realize that they could have cared less if I died or moved on. 

The things that do matter is this:

GOD LOVES ME.. LARGE or small, weak or strong, he will not turn me away.

My family loves me!  My girls look up to me, I need to be a better example on health, love, and our faith.  I need to show them the kind of faith they should have in GOD.  I need to teach them about confidence and knowing how to love themselves.

My husband loves me!  He still wants me regardless of my size. I am certainly not who I was the day he met me.  I look VERY different.  He still teases me, and flirts with me and loves ME.  Even when I try to push him away!

Here I am... trying to find reignite the Confidence I know that is inside of me.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Confidence... where can I get some?


Today I had a lovely Dr. Appointment. There is nothing like facing the truth like stepping on the scale and discussing the inevitable. I gained.... 188 lbs total give or take 3 lbs as it was late in the afternoon.  I discussed my emotional eating and how I find myself hiding and binge eating late in the evening.  I love that I have a physician that is all about helping me find a solution.  In the middle of our conversation I stated that I think the major issue is with me. I don't feel the confidence I used to have when I was fighting to quit smoking and lose weight.  7 years ago I was so strong. Today I feel weak and defeated.

I was demoted from a job I worked hard to achieve. I recieved verbal and emotional abuse.  I was overworked, and frankly isolated. ( I realize I am still trying to stop beating myself up, it was a failure but not on my part. I still cannot help but blame myself and pick myself apart)

I found a position I LOVED, worked for people I thought I had a reason to admire and wanted to look up to.  I was over worked, and I tried so hard to gain approval and find my self confidence again in a job.  Was I perfect? Absolutely not, but I certainly worked hard to grow and change and learn in an industry I had never experienced.  I received verbal abuse and felt I was never good enough. I never saw my family and yes that hurt my heart. It took a toll on my self esteem and my self worth.

Finally I have settled for a job I felt would be easy. I spend more time at home then I have in a long time. I am not as good at keeping up the housework, the kids, and the projects. I feel I am constantly failing and constantly failing at life.  It is a regular struggle, I am pulled in so many different directions.

This blog is not just a self pity session. It is a place to open my heart so I can move passed some of it. This is a way I can initiate a plan, to rebuild my self image.  I am not my job(s). I am not defined by my mistakes or failures. I learn from each of these experiences and I see God is moving to build my character not tear it down.

The doctor provided some resources to help me jumpstart my weightloss, and to assist me in relearing to love myself.  Depression is so real and so painful for even the happiest of people.  I am looking forward to regaining myself and my self worth.

I AM WORTH THIS BATTLE.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

The point of this blog is accountability

The reality is I started blogging to hold myself accountable.  This is definitely not an easy assignment.  Have I been eating clean or even remotely paleo... well frankly NO.  My meals I have been very easy at the start of the day... then as the day continues on I am constantly fighting my cravings. I want desperately to lose weight and be healthy however, I am my own worst enemy. I cannot do this alone. I am not strong enough. I believe God is with me, but I am watching this extreme weightloss show and seeing how these people struggle with the same battles I am fighting alone.

My husband is incredibly supportive, but I DO NOT want my anger at myself to be focused on him. He does not deserve that!

We take our frustrations out on those closest to us, even if the true persom we are mad at are really the person in the mirror.  I failed this week. Which was incredibly hard to admit. I failed and I just went right into binge eating mode.

I tried to join an online group, I don't find people i don't know as a good form of accountability. I need something more "REAL" in my face.   I need to start taking a big step and changing my life:

Current Stats:

Height: 5'2
Weight: 185 lbs
BMI: 33.8

I am considered Obese and I certainly feel OBESE.  I am so disappointed in the truth.  It is ugly.

This is what I learned on http://www.cdc.gov/healthyweight/assessing/bmi/adult_bmi/english_bmi_calculator/bmi_calculator.html

For the information you entered:
Height: 5 feet, 2 inches
Weight: 185 pounds
Your BMI is 33.8, indicating your weight is in the Obese category for adults of your height.
For your height, a normal weight range would be from 101 to 136 pounds.
People who are overweight or obese are at higher risk for chronic conditions such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and high cholesterol.
Anyone who is overweight should try to avoid gaining additional weight. Additionally, if you are overweight with other risk factors (such as high LDL cholesterol, low HDL cholesterol, or high blood pressure), you should try to lose weight. Even a small weight loss (just 10% of your current weight) may help lower the risk of disease. Talk with your healthcare provider to determine appropriate ways to lose weight.

Friday, July 3, 2015

“Just because you fail once doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything.” ― Marilyn Monroe


I had hoped this post would've come a bit further into my journey......

Well now or never I guess. I definitely am struggling with keeping to my plan today.  It seemed my ability to say no to donuts and carbs yesterday was not as strong today.  Let's face it... pizza is a definite weakness of mine... UGH!

No sense in beating myself up... I will do a restart tomorrow.  Just have to beat the new habits into my brain.

I have a few things on my mind today.  Like how to focus on something other than food to look forward to. I usually look forward to my next meal like it is disneyland!  Sad and very true. What else is there to look forward to?  I have a job which is well a job. I have 2 kids and  a handsome hubby, however, sometimes I wonder if that is all there is supposed to be. I have thought about having more children, but it seems I am very alone in that thought process.

I remember my pregnancy with Amira so very fondly. I felt amazing compared to my pregnancy with Brenya. I think knowing what to expect helped in that aspect, and I really only felt amazing after the first trimester. I miss feeling my little ones frowing. I miss watching my baby form into a little person. I love watching my girls interact now. They have amazing personalities and I think why not create more of these little beauties.  Hopefully this infatuation will leave me soon.

As for healthy choices... tomorrow will be a new begining.  I will keep restarting as many times as it takes to keep on track!  Health is more than the pizza I enjoyed today. It is every moment... It is movement. By the way... we did take the stairs today at the Discovery museum instead of the elevator to get to the car.  So there... that is definitely a win.

Don't give up...tomorrow is a new day!  

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

I am not what I eat!


We grow up in a society where we feed our desires... mostly with food, drinks, or other substances.
As a girl, there was no boundaries made for my eating habits. If I wanted candy I got some, if I wanted cookies.. I ate them.  Vegetables were out of cans and macaroni was as common to our dinner table as broccoli... usually served with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes.

I loved food... except peas... you couldn't force me to eat peas to save my life...still I will pick around them to this day.

Our eating patterns are learned. I am not saying my parents should have taught me to count calories or how to cut carbs. It would've been useful to understand and know the nutritional information on a box though, and to have known that not all veggies came from a can.  I don't blame them for their lack of knowledge. To this day they too struggle with healthy eating.  I want to break this cycle though. My girls are well.. girls. We obess over our looks and the way we feel in our skin, clothes. I cannot protect them from their own self image. I can however, provide tools to live a healthy lifestyle.  I can provide them knowledge.  I can help them gain an interest.. not in calorie counting, but information regarding what sort of foods fuel them, but not just teach them how to induldge.

I mean think of it... in movies a big break up... tv, tissues, and a quart of ice cream and a spoon to cure the ache in our hearts.  We are trained in society to heal our wounds with a sweet treat.

I stress.. I want a cookie.  I'm sad... I need and ice cream cone.  I'm hangry... MUST HAVE HOT FRIES.

Sure, it is nice to indulge from time to time... however, for me... it is a thin line.  I leap head first into over-indulgence... I spin out of control and before I know it.... 30 lbs in and I have a distorted mental image of health and happiness.

Thinking back.... I find myself wondering How did I go from 176 lbs to 130lbs during 2007-2008. I was miserable...I smoked... I counted every calorie within 2 inches from my mouth.  It worked yes... however, I'd rather not go back to smoking to curb my appetite. I'd rather choose to be healthy and not try to find the 130 lb woman, but get to a point that movement and running feels good again. Fina myself in a place that I wake up and look in the mirror and over analyze myself to find.. I am beautiful with my stripes of child bearing honor.  My goal isn't to squeeze into a bikini. I am trying to fall in love with me. Just as God has been so kind to love me... I want to view the beautiful woman he sees. Because frankly, most the time... I am pretty disgusted with my image.... In photos I want to just cry. I am embarressed to even think of climing in a pool this summer.

I would love to tell you that I am writing this just to encourage myself and others... sometimes we need to face the ugly truth to be able to push past it. THE UGLY IS.......I binge eat when my husband is in the other room. On my way home from work, or the grocery store if no one is with me I'll by a few things.. candy.. pastries.. I will inhale them before  I get to the front door so no one can see.  Shameful, I know.  I feel so good for a moment and then my guilt sets in.  It is NOT worth it... I need to believe that. I need to say that to myself daily.  It is possible... to say NO to a craving.