Friday, December 9, 2016

It is in his plan

I keep trying to control things.... as though I have control over what is next hahaha! It is so easy to fool yourself into feeling in control.  Afterall, that is human nature (a flawed one at that). I am tired to trying. Tired of trying to be fit, smarter, healthier, and in control. I am so not in control.... of anything.  Just when I think I undersand things... just when I feel content for but a moment the boat gets rocked!

In Mark 4: 35-41, Jesus and the disciples are in a boat.  A storm comes along and violently shakes the boat. All of the disciples are fearful for their lives are in danger.  Jesus is in the stern, sleeping.  The disciples run to him fearful.... how can he be asleep at a time such as this!  They wake him asking him "Teacher do you not care if we drown?"  Jesus then gets up, says to the waves "Quiet! Be still!"  In that moment the waves listened and all was calm again.

Life is nothing but a storm sometimes... our world is rocked regularly.  Sometimes it is just day to day annoyances.  Sometimes it so much deeper than just an annoyance. It is a life altering circumstance (death, finances, divorce, illness, etc.)

What do we do.... we sit and fret and stress. I always look for a resolution. A game plan. I try to forsee the outcomes and have a back up plan to any sort of resolve.  It is a defense mechanism, I have been surviving with it my whole life.

Let's go back to Mark in the Bible for a moment.  Jesus calms the storm. I am sure the disciples are just wowed at this point.  Jesus turns to them and says to them  “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

They have been following him for quite some time at this point and yet, they still were astonished by his abilities.  We just get the joy of reading the stories of all the amazing miracles that Jesus has done, but the disciples they got to SEE them!  Live them! They still lacked faith.  Sometimes, I get down on myself for lacking faith. For trying to be stronger so I don't always have to rely on God.... that is just foolish. Why should I break myself when I have a heavenly father just there watching and waiting for me to just hand over the steering wheel?  He knows where he wants me... I just need to listen, have faith, let him mold me to who he wants me to be and walk me down the path I am meant to be walking.  Easier said then done, oh I know.
Sometimes... I have little faith... sometimes.... God shows me I am capable of great faith.  It is in times of brokeness my faith is truly revealed.  Last year was so hard, the year before, incredibly hard.  Losing so much, a wonderful father-in-law, my husband was so broken inside, he just clammed up.  God has held me through these and many other storms.  My depression was at an all time high. There is a never ending internal battle in my heart.  All the while, I hide it from my children as this is something they need not to understand at this point in life.  I need to keep functioning. God has used my brokeness... he has shown me to lean on him.  It has not been a fun or an easy lesson to learn.  It has been an internal battle.  God knows how to pull the right strings in me to get me listen... though I am incredibly stubborn.  He knows that about me too.... I am thankful he never gives up... he waits patiently for me to get my head out of my rearend to focus on HIM. What HE wants... what MY purpose is.  
I have a voice... I know that. I have been using it to try to gain a profit. To try to work from home at various business ventures... they never fully fail, but I lose momentum quickly.  There is a reason.  God is telling me to use my voice for HIS purpose and not my own.  Times are changing. I am changing and God has a plan for me.... and YOU.  Especially you!  Are you ready to discover your purpose?