Monday, January 2, 2017

Reset in 2017

As the New Year begins many are starting their New Year resolution "diets".  For me, I am not going on a diet, but a journey to find FOOD FREEDOM.  I am sick and tired of being held hostage by the food I eat.  I am fed up with being unhealthy and feeling guilty for eating. I am OVER binge eating.  I want a way out. I want freedom from this personal dungeon I have built around myself in all of this food and weight.

As I stated in my video post, 2017 I want to focus on falling in Love with Me.  Just the way I am.  I pray God will help me find my freedom when it comes to food and my "sugar dragon" .  I pray he helps me to see what he sees in me.  So where to begin....for my Food Freedom journey, I am going to begin with the Whole 30.  That is 30 days of eliminating the foods that literally hold me hostage to myself.  Sugar, bread, chips, chocolate.... YES I am cutting it out.  Have I done this before.. YES!  Has it worked NO!  Why didn't it word?  Because I was doing it for the wrong reasons. My mindset was on dropping the weight.  This time.... I am doing it to understand why these foods hold me hostage.  I did not step on the scale.  I did not measure myself.  I am not taking a before picture. I am simply cutting it out. I am going to write about it, pray about it, and try to understand why I love these things so much more than I love myself.

In 30 days, I am not going to finish and binge eat every ounce of candy, cake, and sugary item I can get my hands on.  I am going allow myself Stevia to sweeten my coffee.  If I don't lose it at that point, I will wait a week, and allow brown rice back in my diet.  If that doesn't leave me dying for a piece of bread, I will allow whole grain break back in my diet.  I am excited to redefine my relationship with food, and myself.

In the mean time, I want to continue to work out.  My goal is to work out at least 4 times a week.  This is for me... because I deserve to feel good and have the ability to move. I love to dance.  CIZE it is!

Here is to a year of Encouragement! Here is to a year of falling in LOVE with me.

Friday, December 9, 2016

It is in his plan

I keep trying to control things.... as though I have control over what is next hahaha! It is so easy to fool yourself into feeling in control.  Afterall, that is human nature (a flawed one at that). I am tired to trying. Tired of trying to be fit, smarter, healthier, and in control. I am so not in control.... of anything.  Just when I think I undersand things... just when I feel content for but a moment the boat gets rocked!

In Mark 4: 35-41, Jesus and the disciples are in a boat.  A storm comes along and violently shakes the boat. All of the disciples are fearful for their lives are in danger.  Jesus is in the stern, sleeping.  The disciples run to him fearful.... how can he be asleep at a time such as this!  They wake him asking him "Teacher do you not care if we drown?"  Jesus then gets up, says to the waves "Quiet! Be still!"  In that moment the waves listened and all was calm again.

Life is nothing but a storm sometimes... our world is rocked regularly.  Sometimes it is just day to day annoyances.  Sometimes it so much deeper than just an annoyance. It is a life altering circumstance (death, finances, divorce, illness, etc.)

What do we do.... we sit and fret and stress. I always look for a resolution. A game plan. I try to forsee the outcomes and have a back up plan to any sort of resolve.  It is a defense mechanism, I have been surviving with it my whole life.

Let's go back to Mark in the Bible for a moment.  Jesus calms the storm. I am sure the disciples are just wowed at this point.  Jesus turns to them and says to them  “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

They have been following him for quite some time at this point and yet, they still were astonished by his abilities.  We just get the joy of reading the stories of all the amazing miracles that Jesus has done, but the disciples they got to SEE them!  Live them! They still lacked faith.  Sometimes, I get down on myself for lacking faith. For trying to be stronger so I don't always have to rely on God.... that is just foolish. Why should I break myself when I have a heavenly father just there watching and waiting for me to just hand over the steering wheel?  He knows where he wants me... I just need to listen, have faith, let him mold me to who he wants me to be and walk me down the path I am meant to be walking.  Easier said then done, oh I know.
Sometimes... I have little faith... sometimes.... God shows me I am capable of great faith.  It is in times of brokeness my faith is truly revealed.  Last year was so hard, the year before, incredibly hard.  Losing so much, a wonderful father-in-law, my husband was so broken inside, he just clammed up.  God has held me through these and many other storms.  My depression was at an all time high. There is a never ending internal battle in my heart.  All the while, I hide it from my children as this is something they need not to understand at this point in life.  I need to keep functioning. God has used my brokeness... he has shown me to lean on him.  It has not been a fun or an easy lesson to learn.  It has been an internal battle.  God knows how to pull the right strings in me to get me listen... though I am incredibly stubborn.  He knows that about me too.... I am thankful he never gives up... he waits patiently for me to get my head out of my rearend to focus on HIM. What HE wants... what MY purpose is.  
I have a voice... I know that. I have been using it to try to gain a profit. To try to work from home at various business ventures... they never fully fail, but I lose momentum quickly.  There is a reason.  God is telling me to use my voice for HIS purpose and not my own.  Times are changing. I am changing and God has a plan for me.... and YOU.  Especially you!  Are you ready to discover your purpose?

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

You cannot control me....

It has been sometime.  I have allowed other people to impact me.  I have allowed others to tirade on my parade here. I refuse to allow it any longer. I enjoy blogging. It has been a great source of release for me.  When I allow others to impact my form of therapy that is just senseless.  I will not stand for it.

Today I want to discuss confidence.  This is a topic I tend to come back to quite a bit.  I need more, you may need more.  Learning to build confidence is such an important life skill.We need to learn to build confidence within ourselves and others.  Especially those mini others.  I believe in my girls, I believe I am a major source of building their confidence and contrary to some parents beliefs. I believe they need to earn their stripes.  So many children today just expect to be WINNERS.  They get a false sense of confidence and guess what when the big bad world of reality stops protecting them. These children grow up and get knocked on their butts! They were given a false sense of accomplishment and that my friends is a disservice. You allow your children to fail, you show them how to pick themselves back up and learn those hard life lessons early on. You give them an opportunity to grow in their learning and THAT is what will truly provide them confidence. You don't ignore them and their need to be lifted up. We all need to be lifted up. Chances are you being supportive in their failures will result in them being stronger and more capable of facing the real hardships they will face in life.

As for me, I was not a confident child but I was a stubborn one. I lack somewhat in the confidence area.  Funny how easy it is for me to look to build my babies up, but when it comes to myself it seems so much harder. Typing this out has already given me a great deal of persepective that I certainly needed.  I am not different.  There is no candy coating it. I need to believe in ME to conquer the goals I have set before me.  That is the only way. I keep hoping for a miracle to magically drop the weight I have gained. I keep hoping the work outs will work as I binge eat.  Guess what Danielle.... THAT DOES NOT WORK.  You need to believe in your ability to let go of the sweets.  Own your addiction to eating badly and move forward from it!  Working out is great!  You have to eat to fuel your workouts not to binge and counteract them!  You need to come up with a plan.  STICK TO IT!  Do not allow the sugar filled tastebuds destroy your hopes and dreams with your weightloss journey.  Be an example to your kids. Show them what health looks like and they will learn those GOOD habits not the bad ones you have been displaying for the last 2-3 years.  They see the struggle I go through, they see the binge eating.

I truly needed to write this out.. thank you for allowing me to have a pep talk moment.  It has been real... now it is time to put words into actions!

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Tools that help me grow... maybe it'll help you too!

Good morning world! This week I have decided to utilize a tool that was essential for me in the past. In 2007 I made a life choice. I chose to live healthier. My thought process what if not now then WHEN? There were people around me dropping the pounds and feeling good about themselves and I kept envying them. I looked at them and thought why can't I do that? Confidence was a bit part of my problem. That motivation worked. I changed my life. I started tracking my food. I still enjoyed food, but I had a tool to help me be accountable. I made friends in a weightloss accountability group. I lost 55 lbs on my own by walking and eating healthier. Fast forward to 2016. Yes, I lost my way. I have been the Yo-Yo dieter of the century. I have tried various ways that help lose weight for a time, but it was not permanent. I kept going back to my habits.

Where did I go wrong?

Emotional eating, and accountability.

I found something that WORKS! I became a member of an amazing accountability group. Then I created a group locally. I have made new friends that truly help support me, and I help support them. Everyone in there is trying something different, and it is working. Not because of the program, but because of the support. When one of us falls... we lift each other up.

My goals I have been working on and working with, I hope it helps:

1. Believe in yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
2. Find a group for accountability, support, recipes, sharing your dreams and goals.
3. Log your food! (My fav app is sparkpeople, they have a great database and some people are better on paper, I am better on technology)
4. Share your heart and struggles.... you will get the support you need.... do not be ashamed of backsliding.
5. Find a product that works. I have had many different protein drinks that tastes yucky! I love Shakeology. I joined as a coach not to make money but to save money. I love the product it is worth the money.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Learning all about me!

This week has been a very self reflective kind of week.  Beyond the daily excitement and chaos of the preparations of the upcoming school year, I started listening to an amazing book.  It was a recommendation by my friend/coach Krystle.  It is called, "It was me all Along" by Andie Mitchell.

Get a copy here

The book is about a woman and her struggles with her lifelong battle with obesity and eating disorder.  She grew up with an alcoholic father, and a hard working mother.  Most of her childhood was comforted by the food she consumed, which in turn consumed her.  Reading her thoughts about food and the NEED for comfort through the food she ate was absolutely enlightening.  What was even more incredible was how she turned her obsessive need for unhealthy snack into a healthy obession with trying new ways to eat.
This book took me back to my childhood.... which was hard.  My mother taught me early on that food could fill my stomach and my heart.  I found great comfort in eating a whole block of cheddar cheese on my own.... I specifically recall my mother being upset I ate it all.  In my family they were less kind to a growing roundness of a girl.  My grandmother was always very forward bless her heart, and quick to tell me to "suck in my gut".  The minute I began to get "chubby" they would mention it in the household and I would instantly be insecure about my looks.  I began hiding my eating as early as 7-8 years old. I would sneak into the pantry and eat a whole bag of chips to myself while no one was around.  I would scarf any nutterbutter or any little debbie cake I could find inhaling it before anyone could witness it.

I began trying to "diet" as young as 12.  When all the girls had no "pooch" in their little gut, I was super self-concious about mine. I became a "vegetarian" at 12 and didn't eat meat for 6 months. Not because I felt sad for animals or anything like that. I would sneak my moms diet pills....I was boy crazy on top of it all. I moved from food to boys.  I started smoking to "look cool" and it helped me not want to eat as much. Yes, I was only 13.

This book has really inspired to reflect on my eating patterns, my life patterns, and why I was the way I was and how that resulted into me today.  203 lbs of messed up mental images. I want my girls to grow up so differently.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Join me in a DietBet....

Ok guys... here are the rules:
$15.00 buy in
Day 1 - August 8th - Post Before pic - Weigh In day (pic of scale please) Post your plan - your diet and/or work out plan for the month.
Every Monday weigh in for 4 weeks!
September 5th Post results - after photo with scale pic
September 6th Winner will be announced. Winner will be person who lost the most body fat percentage since we all are different weights.
Everyday post your food and 1 work out photo (after) This helps to keep us all accountable.
I hope all of us will post support for each other.

Join my fb Group Renew You:

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Do not be self-defeating

It truly is easy to fall into the land of negativity. It is so easy to just be lazy and choose not to eat healthy, and choose not to move and be active.  If only there really was an "easy button".  Let's be real though.  easier is not always better.  If being health was easy would it be worth it?
All I have is my own thoughts to compare to... when I was 130 and eating small amounts of calories... it was "easy" because I smoked to curb those cravings.  I didn't exercise and I didn't appreciate the hard work it took to be to thin, because I was still very unhealhy mentally and emotionally.  That was why it was so easy to fall back into the realm of the unhealthy.  I had my vanity but couldn't appreciate it the way I should have.  I remember looking at these photos... and verbally assualting myself because I did not love myself.  I was still "FAT".

This was just in 2009... I was mentally un-equipped to love myself.  It was so hard to see the beautiful woman standing there.

In 2010, I gave birth to another beautiful daughter..... my self image suffered.  I had believed this woman below was disqusing.

Today, I am larger than I've ever been.  I am embarressed to even allow myself to be photographed.
We enjoyed a family vacation and I was mortified by the physical condition of my body.  This has severly impacted my mind, heart, and physical conditios.
I want to LIVE and MOVE and LOVE.  I don't know about you... but I need to learn I AM WORTH IT>  It hurts don't get me wrong. I am tired, out of breath, and I struggle HARD.  However,  I have two beautiful "why's" that I want to see me LOVE ME so they can learn to Love themselves.  That beautiful woman next to be above.  That's my mother.... she too doesn't know how to love herself.
She is beautiful and cannot see it... she too is blinded by her self-hatred.  Your children watch and study you and learn from YOU.

I may be big, but I am beautiful.  I just need to remember it.