Fear

Fear is such a disabling thing.  Fear controls your mind.  It tells you that you are not strong enough, and maybe I am not.  I don't feel strong, I feel weak.  This is the part that gets hard when you want to be in control and you just can't anymore.  Giving that to God is the hardest part.  It should be easy, it should be second nature.  Anything good for us is a struggle.

I am afraid of failure, you would think my fear of bad health and dying would be stronger.
I am afraid people will see the hurt in my heart that I use food to abuse myself.
I am afraid my addiction to sugar and food is going to consume me as I have consumed it.
I am fearful I will not be healthy enough to live to 80.  I am fearful my children with follow in my yo yo dieting unhealthy lifestyle. I am afraid they won't love themselves as much as I love them.

Frankly, I do not know how to love myself.I have been my own worst enemy longer than I have been a christian, or been capable of seeing God's love for me.  How do I break this process?  This chain of abuse!

I forgive myself.  I need to acknowledge what I have done.  I have eaten myself into 205 lbs of fear, self loathing, and regret.  I have allowed others to hurt my heart and I have not allowed myself to truly know God's love for me is REAL. He is hurting with me and I am not alone.

Danielle you are beautiful, you do not see it right now, because with the weight you see failure, fear, and anger.  You feel you deserve to be "fat", "ugly", and "miserable".  You eat to fill the hurt in your heart, but if you just see a glimpse of what God sees you will see you are loved. Every hair, every smile, every beautiful thought. You are loved by God, by your husband, by your children. You are worth the fight against yourself. So stop the self loathing and start FIGHTING.  Fight to be fit, because you love yourself not because of what other people think.  Be healthy for you.

When you ran you loved the feeling of accomplishment. You felt so PROUD, and you loved the way you felt. Not how you looked. It hurts to move now, is that how you want to feel the rest of your life?

I want to RUN, I want to Hike, I want to see the world.  Being HEALTHY gives you strength to RUN and see the world.  This has nothing to do with being Vain and Beautiful.  You are already beautiful... but now it is time to be HEALTHY so your children and one day your grand children can see you love yourself.

Revelation

Just watched some amazing videos from Isabel Foxen Duke (Helping women stop feeling crazy around food), I felt as though my innermost dark thoughts just broadcasted to the world.  Which was both horrific, and relieving.  Horrific because my initial thoughts were "OMG PEOPLE KNOW I AM A BINGE EATER", then relieving because I realized I am not alone! My relationship with food is such a negative one, which I never realized that it was correlating with my relationship with my body.  I have been "successful" before, at the before and after photo. See pictures of many before and afters and sizes over the years. The thing is I am the same woman in all of these photos, yet I look so different. There is one common denominator.  In every one of these photos regardless of the size, and number on the scale. I felt and believed I was fat.  I did not like the image until I got to the next heavy weight, then I would look back an reminice about the way I was, even though I knew that even when I was that weight I felt like I feel now. Ugly, Fat, and unlovable!  Obviously, I am WRONG. I am very much loved, and I am beautiful regardless of the different sizes I have featured.  I have a lovely smile, and my eyes hold joy of the love I have for my family.  The person who is unlovable is the person I cannot stand. I don't like my body, and I can be any size and I still never like my body. I have dieted sucessfully and also not so successfully. I binge eat and I punish myself with eating. I punish myself with withholding food, I obsess over the calories and the food.  My problem isnt food, or even binge eating. It is the way I feel about ME.  I am tired of weight obsessing, I am tired of being the before and after photo.  I need to love me NOW.  Not just my weight, but ME. My face, my eyes, my curves, and my mind.  Once I fix my mindset, I can look more about my heart and health.  I keep wanting to teach my children how to be health concious, but the most important type of health is mental health.  If we are not mentally strong and stable we cannot begin to look at ourselves in a positive light.  I need to learn to be confident, and then teach my chidren how to be confident and show them what that looks like.