Revelation

Just watched some amazing videos from Isabel Foxen Duke (Helping women stop feeling crazy around food), I felt as though my innermost dark thoughts just broadcasted to the world.  Which was both horrific, and relieving.  Horrific because my initial thoughts were "OMG PEOPLE KNOW I AM A BINGE EATER", then relieving because I realized I am not alone! My relationship with food is such a negative one, which I never realized that it was correlating with my relationship with my body.  I have been "successful" before, at the before and after photo. See pictures of many before and afters and sizes over the years. The thing is I am the same woman in all of these photos, yet I look so different. There is one common denominator.  In every one of these photos regardless of the size, and number on the scale. I felt and believed I was fat.  I did not like the image until I got to the next heavy weight, then I would look back an reminice about the way I was, even though I knew that even when I was that weight I felt like I feel now. Ugly, Fat, and unlovable!  Obviously, I am WRONG. I am very much loved, and I am beautiful regardless of the different sizes I have featured.  I have a lovely smile, and my eyes hold joy of the love I have for my family.  The person who is unlovable is the person I cannot stand. I don't like my body, and I can be any size and I still never like my body. I have dieted sucessfully and also not so successfully. I binge eat and I punish myself with eating. I punish myself with withholding food, I obsess over the calories and the food.  My problem isnt food, or even binge eating. It is the way I feel about ME.  I am tired of weight obsessing, I am tired of being the before and after photo.  I need to love me NOW.  Not just my weight, but ME. My face, my eyes, my curves, and my mind.  Once I fix my mindset, I can look more about my heart and health.  I keep wanting to teach my children how to be health concious, but the most important type of health is mental health.  If we are not mentally strong and stable we cannot begin to look at ourselves in a positive light.  I need to learn to be confident, and then teach my chidren how to be confident and show them what that looks like.