It just isn't that easy

5 days.. I did great for about 5 days.  I gave up sugar, and carbs!  Then.... I had a bad day.... KFC and convienence.  Then the next day I emotionally ate.  Then, my darling and supportive husband brought home COOKIES.  I love cookies. He said he "hid" them.  I have no self control... I do, but I am still learning and building it.

Self control self-control is the ability to resist temptation in the moment. - See more at: http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/mental-health/8-tips-to-improve-your-self-control#sthash.E2JRO0ok.dpuf

Instead of beating up myself for not being "good enough"  and for not having "self control" .  I am going to identify the things that I need to work on in order to be successful.  So far I have been able to identify 3 things.  This list may be modified as I learn more on my journey.

1. Self Control
2. Confidence
3. Time managment


This is not as daunting as I thought it would be.  Time to do some research and come up with a "plan".

Fear

Fear is such a disabling thing.  Fear controls your mind.  It tells you that you are not strong enough, and maybe I am not.  I don't feel strong, I feel weak.  This is the part that gets hard when you want to be in control and you just can't anymore.  Giving that to God is the hardest part.  It should be easy, it should be second nature.  Anything good for us is a struggle.

I am afraid of failure, you would think my fear of bad health and dying would be stronger.
I am afraid people will see the hurt in my heart that I use food to abuse myself.
I am afraid my addiction to sugar and food is going to consume me as I have consumed it.
I am fearful I will not be healthy enough to live to 80.  I am fearful my children with follow in my yo yo dieting unhealthy lifestyle. I am afraid they won't love themselves as much as I love them.

Frankly, I do not know how to love myself.I have been my own worst enemy longer than I have been a christian, or been capable of seeing God's love for me.  How do I break this process?  This chain of abuse!

I forgive myself.  I need to acknowledge what I have done.  I have eaten myself into 205 lbs of fear, self loathing, and regret.  I have allowed others to hurt my heart and I have not allowed myself to truly know God's love for me is REAL. He is hurting with me and I am not alone.

Danielle you are beautiful, you do not see it right now, because with the weight you see failure, fear, and anger.  You feel you deserve to be "fat", "ugly", and "miserable".  You eat to fill the hurt in your heart, but if you just see a glimpse of what God sees you will see you are loved. Every hair, every smile, every beautiful thought. You are loved by God, by your husband, by your children. You are worth the fight against yourself. So stop the self loathing and start FIGHTING.  Fight to be fit, because you love yourself not because of what other people think.  Be healthy for you.

When you ran you loved the feeling of accomplishment. You felt so PROUD, and you loved the way you felt. Not how you looked. It hurts to move now, is that how you want to feel the rest of your life?

I want to RUN, I want to Hike, I want to see the world.  Being HEALTHY gives you strength to RUN and see the world.  This has nothing to do with being Vain and Beautiful.  You are already beautiful... but now it is time to be HEALTHY so your children and one day your grand children can see you love yourself.

Revelation

Just watched some amazing videos from Isabel Foxen Duke (Helping women stop feeling crazy around food), I felt as though my innermost dark thoughts just broadcasted to the world.  Which was both horrific, and relieving.  Horrific because my initial thoughts were "OMG PEOPLE KNOW I AM A BINGE EATER", then relieving because I realized I am not alone! My relationship with food is such a negative one, which I never realized that it was correlating with my relationship with my body.  I have been "successful" before, at the before and after photo. See pictures of many before and afters and sizes over the years. The thing is I am the same woman in all of these photos, yet I look so different. There is one common denominator.  In every one of these photos regardless of the size, and number on the scale. I felt and believed I was fat.  I did not like the image until I got to the next heavy weight, then I would look back an reminice about the way I was, even though I knew that even when I was that weight I felt like I feel now. Ugly, Fat, and unlovable!  Obviously, I am WRONG. I am very much loved, and I am beautiful regardless of the different sizes I have featured.  I have a lovely smile, and my eyes hold joy of the love I have for my family.  The person who is unlovable is the person I cannot stand. I don't like my body, and I can be any size and I still never like my body. I have dieted sucessfully and also not so successfully. I binge eat and I punish myself with eating. I punish myself with withholding food, I obsess over the calories and the food.  My problem isnt food, or even binge eating. It is the way I feel about ME.  I am tired of weight obsessing, I am tired of being the before and after photo.  I need to love me NOW.  Not just my weight, but ME. My face, my eyes, my curves, and my mind.  Once I fix my mindset, I can look more about my heart and health.  I keep wanting to teach my children how to be health concious, but the most important type of health is mental health.  If we are not mentally strong and stable we cannot begin to look at ourselves in a positive light.  I need to learn to be confident, and then teach my chidren how to be confident and show them what that looks like.

State of Slim

My life has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs this year.  My poor husband has lost his father, and our family has definitely struggled.  How do we handle such challenges? We pray. We put our heart and faith in God to pull us through.  In all honesty, I also overindulge my emotions in my eating habits. This is not anything I have kept a secret. The stress of change, and loss has taken it's toll on me emotionally.  I have made really poor eating choices. I know where the blame lies. My issue is, I do not know how to pull myself out of this.  I have lost weight before, this is so much more than just weight loss.  I need to change my life, I need to want to change my life.

Let's start for my reasons for changing:

1. My children: I want to give them a positive example of health.
2. Health: I want to "feel" healthy. I lose my breathe bending over, I can't run, I physically hurt to just walk.  I have horrible heartburn and acid reflux.
3. Love myself. I want to love myself. I want to look in the mirror and feel beautiful regardless of my shape. I want to feel beautiful and not ashamed.
4. Live: I want to truly LIVE. I feel like I am just coasting on my emotional eating instead of truly indulging on LIFE not just FOOD.

How?  I have done paleo, low glycemic, calorie counting. All of these work if you stay dedicated.  However, the minute I allow myself a carb or a small amount of over indulgence, I just BINGE.  I cannot stop it seems.  I need to change my way of thinking. I need to refocus my life.

Every day is a NEW day!

Cccchanges!

My thoughts are a bit scrambled. Let me just spill it all out.

First,  God provided me an exciting new opportunity.  Looks like I will be the new Administrative Assistant to the Principal and Vice Principal of a charter school here in the Valley.  I will admit that the idea initially was terrifying to start another job again so soon.  However, I could feel the spirit in the interview. I  was definitely purposed for this opportunity,  Whoa!!

Secondly, I have been following a wonder Bible study program. It has really opened my eyes to so much, not always a pleasurable experience.  It is still a beneficial one that is for certain.

Thirdly,  I really LOVE my husband!  I mean sure he and I get on one another's nerves from time to time... mainly I get on his, and I get insecure and project my thoughts onto his.... however, I recently had the pleasure of looking at things from more than one perspective.  There are so many things that are hard about marriage. It is NEVER a dull moment, especially with children. However, it takes so much effort not to lose sight of why you had Fallen in Love initially.  There will always be times when you look at someone else's relationship and thing hah! They really have it down!  Love, affection, being considerate, then you realize that the people who you are watching.. behind closed doors, they resent one another. Belittle and speak down to each other.  They forgot the initial Love they had and they refuse to rekindle it.   Sadly, some do not know that it can indeed be rekindled.  I have known a few marriages that have fallen a part.  They both moved on and eventually, they refound the love the long lost right back where it began.  I fall in love at least once a week with my husband. Whether it is just him being him... I try to find things I LOVE about him, and I linger on those thoughts, and then I linger on our memories.

Fourthly,  my darling grand father is terminally ill.  William "Bill" Stout ....He has been for some time. Partially, old age, and also bladder cancer.  He has been such an amazing man to know.  Stubborn... well that's an understatement.  He had a ton of bark and though not much bite.  He loves his wife and family so dearly. If all i can take from the memories of him and my grandmother, they would wake up at the crack of dawn every morning... spend that one on one time. No TV, no children most days... I remember the few times I stayed over and I would wake up and find them chatting in the early hours of the day. It may not have been the ideal date night, or coffee date at starbucks, but it seemed so intimate in a non-sexual sense.  Beautiful....

Fifth... I just signed up for Weightwatchers.  Hopefully, I can lost 10 lbs and get my first 2 months back, but I really need a PLAN. A structured one, and I tried to create myself a plan, but I just keep self sabatoging, and Self medicating with FOOD. This plan gives me a coach, someone I can have support me.  My husband is incredibly supportive do not get me wrong.  However, when a spouse tells you not to eat something because you asked them to hold you accountable... you cannot help but want to punch them.. and shove 5 donuts down your throat.  Sigh... I know... issues.... big ones.

If you are interested in joining me in the weightwatchers journey click here-->  Danielle referred me!

Shrink

The world is spinning.
I am walking.
Nearly crawling....onto my next destination.
The weight is crippling.
The cold steel against my back of the anchor I cannot seem to release.
Sweat beading at my brow.
Every breathe a burden to slowly inhale, then to exhale.
It burns my throat... my lungs feel as though they are failing.

Out there... they just walk by.
They pay no mind to the crippled woman inside.
The scars....they aren't visible to all.
Only the ones who know...
The very ones that the same darkness follows.

Blinking back tears... I know it is pointless to cry.
Tears are supposed to have meaning. There is supposed to be a
cause and an effect.

No point in releasing any of these silent screams. No one ever really hears me.

Life happens and so does death

Our family has gone through some rough changes the last 2 years. We have held onto one another and have prayed. I want to say that we have come out of all of this just so joyful and stronger. We are certainly stronger in our family and our faith.

Personally, I am not ok. I am trying to lean on God. Let him handle all the pain in my heart.  I've looking for comfort. Looking to food, I won't lie about this struggle. I have caved to the desire of my heart FOOD.