State of Slim

My life has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs this year.  My poor husband has lost his father, and our family has definitely struggled.  How do we handle such challenges? We pray. We put our heart and faith in God to pull us through.  In all honesty, I also overindulge my emotions in my eating habits. This is not anything I have kept a secret. The stress of change, and loss has taken it's toll on me emotionally.  I have made really poor eating choices. I know where the blame lies. My issue is, I do not know how to pull myself out of this.  I have lost weight before, this is so much more than just weight loss.  I need to change my life, I need to want to change my life.

Let's start for my reasons for changing:

1. My children: I want to give them a positive example of health.
2. Health: I want to "feel" healthy. I lose my breathe bending over, I can't run, I physically hurt to just walk.  I have horrible heartburn and acid reflux.
3. Love myself. I want to love myself. I want to look in the mirror and feel beautiful regardless of my shape. I want to feel beautiful and not ashamed.
4. Live: I want to truly LIVE. I feel like I am just coasting on my emotional eating instead of truly indulging on LIFE not just FOOD.

How?  I have done paleo, low glycemic, calorie counting. All of these work if you stay dedicated.  However, the minute I allow myself a carb or a small amount of over indulgence, I just BINGE.  I cannot stop it seems.  I need to change my way of thinking. I need to refocus my life.

Every day is a NEW day!

Cccchanges!

My thoughts are a bit scrambled. Let me just spill it all out.

First,  God provided me an exciting new opportunity.  Looks like I will be the new Administrative Assistant to the Principal and Vice Principal of a charter school here in the Valley.  I will admit that the idea initially was terrifying to start another job again so soon.  However, I could feel the spirit in the interview. I  was definitely purposed for this opportunity,  Whoa!!

Secondly, I have been following a wonder Bible study program. It has really opened my eyes to so much, not always a pleasurable experience.  It is still a beneficial one that is for certain.

Thirdly,  I really LOVE my husband!  I mean sure he and I get on one another's nerves from time to time... mainly I get on his, and I get insecure and project my thoughts onto his.... however, I recently had the pleasure of looking at things from more than one perspective.  There are so many things that are hard about marriage. It is NEVER a dull moment, especially with children. However, it takes so much effort not to lose sight of why you had Fallen in Love initially.  There will always be times when you look at someone else's relationship and thing hah! They really have it down!  Love, affection, being considerate, then you realize that the people who you are watching.. behind closed doors, they resent one another. Belittle and speak down to each other.  They forgot the initial Love they had and they refuse to rekindle it.   Sadly, some do not know that it can indeed be rekindled.  I have known a few marriages that have fallen a part.  They both moved on and eventually, they refound the love the long lost right back where it began.  I fall in love at least once a week with my husband. Whether it is just him being him... I try to find things I LOVE about him, and I linger on those thoughts, and then I linger on our memories.

Fourthly,  my darling grand father is terminally ill.  William "Bill" Stout ....He has been for some time. Partially, old age, and also bladder cancer.  He has been such an amazing man to know.  Stubborn... well that's an understatement.  He had a ton of bark and though not much bite.  He loves his wife and family so dearly. If all i can take from the memories of him and my grandmother, they would wake up at the crack of dawn every morning... spend that one on one time. No TV, no children most days... I remember the few times I stayed over and I would wake up and find them chatting in the early hours of the day. It may not have been the ideal date night, or coffee date at starbucks, but it seemed so intimate in a non-sexual sense.  Beautiful....

Fifth... I just signed up for Weightwatchers.  Hopefully, I can lost 10 lbs and get my first 2 months back, but I really need a PLAN. A structured one, and I tried to create myself a plan, but I just keep self sabatoging, and Self medicating with FOOD. This plan gives me a coach, someone I can have support me.  My husband is incredibly supportive do not get me wrong.  However, when a spouse tells you not to eat something because you asked them to hold you accountable... you cannot help but want to punch them.. and shove 5 donuts down your throat.  Sigh... I know... issues.... big ones.

If you are interested in joining me in the weightwatchers journey click here-->  Danielle referred me!

Shrink

The world is spinning.
I am walking.
Nearly crawling....onto my next destination.
The weight is crippling.
The cold steel against my back of the anchor I cannot seem to release.
Sweat beading at my brow.
Every breathe a burden to slowly inhale, then to exhale.
It burns my throat... my lungs feel as though they are failing.

Out there... they just walk by.
They pay no mind to the crippled woman inside.
The scars....they aren't visible to all.
Only the ones who know...
The very ones that the same darkness follows.

Blinking back tears... I know it is pointless to cry.
Tears are supposed to have meaning. There is supposed to be a
cause and an effect.

No point in releasing any of these silent screams. No one ever really hears me.

Life happens and so does death

Our family has gone through some rough changes the last 2 years. We have held onto one another and have prayed. I want to say that we have come out of all of this just so joyful and stronger. We are certainly stronger in our family and our faith.

Personally, I am not ok. I am trying to lean on God. Let him handle all the pain in my heart.  I've looking for comfort. Looking to food, I won't lie about this struggle. I have caved to the desire of my heart FOOD.

Welcome to the dark side

I never said this was always going to be a ray of sunshine.  The truth is... there is a darkness that brought me to this way of life. Funny thing is.. I put on an awesome front. I am little miss positivity. Most people don't see the suffering girl inside. Only over the years and the lbs that have struggling to come off have been the main identifying factors.

Last night I had a dream. I had a dream I asked someone for help. This woman has helped me before, and she helped me get to a better relationship with my mother, myself, and my heavenly father. I called her today.  Scheduled an appointment with my counselor. It is foolish to think that you can always do things on your own. God provides people who he utilizes as tools to help you.  He brings beautiful angels into our lives who are thoughtful and selfless and that are doing kind things and expecting nothing in return.

As you can imagine, my point in writing this is I am having a hard time staying dedicated to my weightloss. I haven't gained really, but I am not budging on my losses.  I am an at a standstill and I am on emotional binging alert.  I wish I had more of a support network of people who understood how I feel. How at night when I look in the mirror with self pity and I sneak to the refigerator and just gobble a piece of pie or a handful of chocolate chips because all I have is those small moments of joy... which just disappears quickly from a rush of pleasure to an overwhelming feeling of guilt and defeat......  this is my struggle.

CONFESS! What day is better than a Sunday!

Today started out fairly healthy!  Until I went to my lovely nephew's birthday party too hungry!

I had a cheeseburger and a half and carrot sticks ( no bun)!  My weakness was the fruity pebbles treats and 1 1/2 cupcakes.... and an apple ale! NOM!

Sigh... Oh well!  Worse things have happened. I am going sip my little latte here and remember tomorrow is a new day.

This is a process and I am not going to win every battle with myself.  If I beat up myself like I normally do then I snowball and just turn right back to food.

Lesson learned for me today..... for the time being I am going to give up alcohol all together.  I cannot maintain my self control with it in my system.

Today is going to be short and sweet. Lesson learned... CONFESSION DONE.

walkin walkin.... eventually running...

So I have been trying to slowly without hurting myself walking 2-3 times a week.  Baby steps!  Trust me I am so not very patient with this since I used to be able to run 2 miles.  I was able to walk only 0.5 miles and then yesterday I got to 0.81 miles in 18 minutes.  Not my best time however, I pushed and made it that far.  I need to keep pushing!  My thighs are not thankful, but that is ok.  They will be soon enough!

There really are 3 components to healthy living:

1. A healthy self image!

2.  The proper eating guide.

• Proper portions: Protein, Vegetables, and healthy Carbs (MEASURE!)
• healthy snacks (again counting and actually measuring!
• Indulde a little!  No point in torturing yourself!  Enjoy in small bites!

3. MOVE!!!!  May not be a marathon but baby steps.

• Take the stairs.
• Walk your dog
• Run up and down the stairs 5 times

 TODAY IS  A NEW DAY!!!!!