Saturday, August 8, 2015

Welcome to the dark side

I never said this was always going to be a ray of sunshine.  The truth is... there is a darkness that brought me to this way of life. Funny thing is.. I put on an awesome front. I am little miss positivity. Most people don't see the suffering girl inside. Only over the years and the lbs that have struggling to come off have been the main identifying factors.

Last night I had a dream. I had a dream I asked someone for help. This woman has helped me before, and she helped me get to a better relationship with my mother, myself, and my heavenly father. I called her today.  Scheduled an appointment with my counselor. It is foolish to think that you can always do things on your own. God provides people who he utilizes as tools to help you.  He brings beautiful angels into our lives who are thoughtful and selfless and that are doing kind things and expecting nothing in return.

As you can imagine, my point in writing this is I am having a hard time staying dedicated to my weightloss. I haven't gained really, but I am not budging on my losses.  I am an at a standstill and I am on emotional binging alert.  I wish I had more of a support network of people who understood how I feel. How at night when I look in the mirror with self pity and I sneak to the refigerator and just gobble a piece of pie or a handful of chocolate chips because all I have is those small moments of joy... which just disappears quickly from a rush of pleasure to an overwhelming feeling of guilt and defeat......  this is my struggle.