How refreshing...

Day 3:

Today was not as rough as I anticipated it to be. I definitely had my cravings, yet held out.
James has been awesome with handling my hangry attitude... He is even helping me to get more creative in the kitchen. He bought cauliflower for mashed cauliflower for dinner!  It is hard when you rely on food to bring comfort and joy. Whoa just typing that makes it real... kind of embaressing to be honest.

We are supposed to look to family, friends, activities, most importantly GOD to find the feeling of joy and comfort. Ridiculous as it may seem for many that I would seek this sensation from something as silly as a food... just think of how happy you are with a delicious large pizza with all your favorite toppings!  Perhaps it is a delish Venti Frappacino of your liking... 500 calories... insane amounts of sugar... so indulgent. <--- see definitely a problem.

Many of us build our whole life and day around the food we eat and the emotional state that each meal or snack will ultimately provide us regardless of the fact that it is only a temporary comfort.

Is my food obsession insane?  Perhaps... I am just crazy enough to admit it. I am so in love with FOOD.  It has replaced some very intimate parts of me... it has reduced my confidence in who I am by allowing me to break down my body for a temporary fix.

Try to recall a time, or photo that you felt truly beautiful.  It is funny... you will be suprised to see the image I think of.....

I was 100% healthy, confident, and I felt radiant. I ate healthy for Amira and I, and I only gained what was necessary.  I was so proud of that. I actually only weighed 165 lbs by the 9th month of my pregnancy. I currently weigh 185 lbs.  I truly am ashamed of what I have done to my body at this point.  Certainly time to face the music... and find the beauty within.

Day 2: A Beautiful Reflection

FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOOD FOODOOD FOOD FOOD

We need food to live. Nutrients, Vitamins, Proteins, we naturally desire food that will satisfy and meet our needs for survival.

GLUTTONY GLUTTONY GLUTTONY GLUTTONY GLUTTONY GLUTTONY GLUTTONY

At some point we took a need, a basic natural means of survival and turned it into a SIN.  We abused the very thing we rely upon to satisfy and provide life. We over ate, we under ate, we utilzed it as a form of stimulation.  It is human nature to take even GOOD things that have purpose to bend it to our own will. To satisfy selfish needs......

CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE
CRAVE CRAVE CRAVE

We crave carbs, sweets, salty, and unhealthy foods.  WHY?  Why is is in our nature to crave and desire these things.  Where is the emotional correlation between the NEED vs the WANT?

We need food yes... we want JUNK!  Though my body craves the sweets and junk... I know I do not need it.

Society is obese.. we have created various excuses for our obesity.  However, one reason is the only real reason. We are hungry for LOVE. We are ravenously hungry for acceptance. We abuse food because we can control the amount we eat. It provides a moment of bliss... and a lifetime of disappointment.

I crave love and attention. I crave acceptance and confidence.  Easy to look at me and say well just STOP. Let go of the cravings. Create an image you approve of and feel good about.  Truth is.. I have... over and over. I yoyo!  I will get to an ideal and beautiful weight.. and it is still not enough. I still don't feel pretty. I still fight depression... I still see a little chubby broken girl... pretending to be a strong and confident woman.

I want to see the woman God loves. I want to see the child who proudly blossomed into a beautiful woman.  How do I begin this journey?

I'll start with this.... Regardless of my weight, and my looks, God loves me wholeheartedly. He sees beauty that I am unable to see or identify with. I will pray for his vision... so that maybe I can get a glimpse of what he truly sees.  I am worth this fight. He wants me to live a long happy and HEALTHY life.  To show my beautiful girls how to feel and be healthy and confident. TO show them who loves them.

3 years makes quite a difference. It took me 2 years to get to this size after my second child. It took me 3 years of stress, and self mutilation to destroy what I worked so hard to do. I want to walk, and run and not hurt. I want to bend over and not be breathless. Today is again the first day... the hardest day. I may have many more first days.. This isnt about being THIN. It is about being healthy. I am a serious carb and sugar addict. Not to mention, I am the biggest emotional eater I have ever known. When my heart hurts so does my body. I abuse my body by over eating, I lose motiviation and I lose faith in myself. God sees the beauty in me, my children see it too. I can be the confident woman in the photo. God believes in me, and loves me regardless of my size. I know though that he wants me to be healthy and happy.

February 2012

June 2015

Step 1. Speaking the Truth

1. I am overweight
2. I use profanity freely.
3. I am insecure.
4. I have anger issues.
5. I am emotionally unstable. (Hence emotional eating)
6. I am a SINNER.

The above does not define ME. I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a daughter of God.  Admitting these things is not easy. It is not fun to see your flaws let alone admit them to the world.  I am incredibly scared of letting go of my crutch. Food is a crutch for me. It helps me cope with my emoional instability. It helps me handle my insecurities... the only thing is... IT IS NOT HELPING it is HURTING ME!

My heart hurts when I see myself in the mirror. My children don't see a healthy and confident woman. I want them to see what confidence is, so they can learn to be confident.

Today is the begining of a change. Regardless if the transition is a year long process or just a few months. This is the start of something beautiful!  I am BEAUTIFUL and I am worth the fight.  I trust GOD will help to show me how to be healthy, how to live a life that is full of love, health, and being a woman of God.  I am glad to share this with you.  This may not be pretty, it will most definitely not be easy.

Right now I am going to research a plan. A plan to relearn to eat for health and not for comfort.  Watching extreme weightloss has really shown me that these amazing people who are far larger and unhealthy. They beat the odds in a year. I can certainly do this as well. I am really trying to talk myself into this. I know I cannot live the way I have been living. My children and husband deserve to have a 100% healthy me.

Wish me luck, send me some prayers if you can.