It is in his plan

I keep trying to control things.... as though I have control over what is next hahaha! It is so easy to fool yourself into feeling in control.  Afterall, that is human nature (a flawed one at that). I am tired to trying. Tired of trying to be fit, smarter, healthier, and in control. I am so not in control.... of anything.  Just when I think I undersand things... just when I feel content for but a moment the boat gets rocked!

In Mark 4: 35-41, Jesus and the disciples are in a boat.  A storm comes along and violently shakes the boat. All of the disciples are fearful for their lives are in danger.  Jesus is in the stern, sleeping.  The disciples run to him fearful.... how can he be asleep at a time such as this!  They wake him asking him "Teacher do you not care if we drown?"  Jesus then gets up, says to the waves "Quiet! Be still!"  In that moment the waves listened and all was calm again.

Life is nothing but a storm sometimes... our world is rocked regularly.  Sometimes it is just day to day annoyances.  Sometimes it so much deeper than just an annoyance. It is a life altering circumstance (death, finances, divorce, illness, etc.)

What do we do.... we sit and fret and stress. I always look for a resolution. A game plan. I try to forsee the outcomes and have a back up plan to any sort of resolve.  It is a defense mechanism, I have been surviving with it my whole life.

Let's go back to Mark in the Bible for a moment.  Jesus calms the storm. I am sure the disciples are just wowed at this point.  Jesus turns to them and says to them  “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”

They have been following him for quite some time at this point and yet, they still were astonished by his abilities.  We just get the joy of reading the stories of all the amazing miracles that Jesus has done, but the disciples they got to SEE them!  Live them! They still lacked faith.  Sometimes, I get down on myself for lacking faith. For trying to be stronger so I don't always have to rely on God.... that is just foolish. Why should I break myself when I have a heavenly father just there watching and waiting for me to just hand over the steering wheel?  He knows where he wants me... I just need to listen, have faith, let him mold me to who he wants me to be and walk me down the path I am meant to be walking.  Easier said then done, oh I know.

Sometimes... I have little faith... sometimes.... God shows me I am capable of great faith.  It is in times of brokeness my faith is truly revealed.  Last year was so hard, the year before, incredibly hard.  Losing so much, a wonderful father-in-law, my husband was so broken inside, he just clammed up.  God has held me through these and many other storms.  My depression was at an all time high. There is a never ending internal battle in my heart.  All the while, I hide it from my children as this is something they need not to understand at this point in life.  I need to keep functioning. God has used my brokeness... he has shown me to lean on him.  It has not been a fun or an easy lesson to learn.  It has been an internal battle.  God knows how to pull the right strings in me to get me listen... though I am incredibly stubborn.  He knows that about me too.... I am thankful he never gives up... he waits patiently for me to get my head out of my rearend to focus on HIM. What HE wants... what MY purpose is.  

I have a voice... I know that. I have been using it to try to gain a profit. To try to work from home at various business ventures... they never fully fail, but I lose momentum quickly.  There is a reason.  God is telling me to use my voice for HIS purpose and not my own.  Times are changing. I am changing and God has a plan for me.... and YOU.  Especially you!  Are you ready to discover your purpose?

You cannot control me....

It has been sometime.  I have allowed other people to impact me.  I have allowed others to tirade on my parade here. I refuse to allow it any longer. I enjoy blogging. It has been a great source of release for me.  When I allow others to impact my form of therapy that is just senseless.  I will not stand for it.

Today I want to discuss confidence.  This is a topic I tend to come back to quite a bit.  I need more, you may need more.  Learning to build confidence is such an important life skill.We need to learn to build confidence within ourselves and others.  Especially those mini others.  I believe in my girls, I believe I am a major source of building their confidence and contrary to some parents beliefs. I believe they need to earn their stripes.  So many children today just expect to be WINNERS.  They get a false sense of confidence and guess what when the big bad world of reality stops protecting them. These children grow up and get knocked on their butts! They were given a false sense of accomplishment and that my friends is a disservice. You allow your children to fail, you show them how to pick themselves back up and learn those hard life lessons early on. You give them an opportunity to grow in their learning and THAT is what will truly provide them confidence. You don't ignore them and their need to be lifted up. We all need to be lifted up. Chances are you being supportive in their failures will result in them being stronger and more capable of facing the real hardships they will face in life.

As for me, I was not a confident child but I was a stubborn one. I lack somewhat in the confidence area.  Funny how easy it is for me to look to build my babies up, but when it comes to myself it seems so much harder. Typing this out has already given me a great deal of persepective that I certainly needed.  I am not different.  There is no candy coating it. I need to believe in ME to conquer the goals I have set before me.  That is the only way. I keep hoping for a miracle to magically drop the weight I have gained. I keep hoping the work outs will work as I binge eat.  Guess what Danielle.... THAT DOES NOT WORK.  You need to believe in your ability to let go of the sweets.  Own your addiction to eating badly and move forward from it!  Working out is great!  You have to eat to fuel your workouts not to binge and counteract them!  You need to come up with a plan.  STICK TO IT!  Do not allow the sugar filled tastebuds destroy your hopes and dreams with your weightloss journey.  Be an example to your kids. Show them what health looks like and they will learn those GOOD habits not the bad ones you have been displaying for the last 2-3 years.  They see the struggle I go through, they see the binge eating.

I truly needed to write this out.. thank you for allowing me to have a pep talk moment.  It has been real... now it is time to put words into actions!

Tools that help me grow... maybe it'll help you too!

Good morning world! This week I have decided to utilize a tool that was essential for me in the past. In 2007 I made a life choice. I chose to live healthier. My thought process what if not now then WHEN? There were people around me dropping the pounds and feeling good about themselves and I kept envying them. I looked at them and thought why can't I do that? Confidence was a bit part of my problem. That motivation worked. I changed my life. I started tracking my food. I still enjoyed food, but I had a tool to help me be accountable. I made friends in a weightloss accountability group. I lost 55 lbs on my own by walking and eating healthier. Fast forward to 2016. Yes, I lost my way. I have been the Yo-Yo dieter of the century. I have tried various ways that help lose weight for a time, but it was not permanent. I kept going back to my habits.

Where did I go wrong?

Emotional eating, and accountability.

I found something that WORKS! I became a member of an amazing accountability group. Then I created a group locally. I have made new friends that truly help support me, and I help support them. Everyone in there is trying something different, and it is working. Not because of the program, but because of the support. When one of us falls... we lift each other up.

My goals I have been working on and working with, I hope it helps:

1. Believe in yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
2. Find a group for accountability, support, recipes, sharing your dreams and goals.
3. Log your food! (My fav app is sparkpeople, they have a great database and some people are better on paper, I am better on technology)
4. Share your heart and struggles.... you will get the support you need.... do not be ashamed of backsliding.
5. Find a product that works. I have had many different protein drinks that tastes yucky! I love Shakeology. I joined as a coach not to make money but to save money. I love the product it is worth the money.

Learning all about me!

This week has been a very self reflective kind of week.  Beyond the daily excitement and chaos of the preparations of the upcoming school year, I started listening to an amazing book.  It was a recommendation by my friend/coach Krystle.  It is called, "It was me all Along" by Andie Mitchell.

Get a copy here

The book is about a woman and her struggles with her lifelong battle with obesity and eating disorder.  She grew up with an alcoholic father, and a hard working mother.  Most of her childhood was comforted by the food she consumed, which in turn consumed her.  Reading her thoughts about food and the NEED for comfort through the food she ate was absolutely enlightening.  What was even more incredible was how she turned her obsessive need for unhealthy snack into a healthy obession with trying new ways to eat.
This book took me back to my childhood.... which was hard.  My mother taught me early on that food could fill my stomach and my heart.  I found great comfort in eating a whole block of cheddar cheese on my own.... I specifically recall my mother being upset I ate it all.  In my family they were less kind to a growing roundness of a girl.  My grandmother was always very forward bless her heart, and quick to tell me to "suck in my gut".  The minute I began to get "chubby" they would mention it in the household and I would instantly be insecure about my looks.  I began hiding my eating as early as 7-8 years old. I would sneak into the pantry and eat a whole bag of chips to myself while no one was around.  I would scarf any nutterbutter or any little debbie cake I could find inhaling it before anyone could witness it.

I began trying to "diet" as young as 12.  When all the girls had no "pooch" in their little gut, I was super self-concious about mine. I became a "vegetarian" at 12 and didn't eat meat for 6 months. Not because I felt sad for animals or anything like that. I would sneak my moms diet pills....I was boy crazy on top of it all. I moved from food to boys.  I started smoking to "look cool" and it helped me not want to eat as much. Yes, I was only 13.


This book has really inspired to reflect on my eating patterns, my life patterns, and why I was the way I was and how that resulted into me today.  203 lbs of messed up mental images. I want my girls to grow up so differently.

Join me in a DietBet....

http://dbet.me/DqC5Wt

Ok guys... here are the rules:

$15.00 buy in

Day 1 - August 8th - Post Before pic - Weigh In day (pic of scale please) Post your plan - your diet and/or work out plan for the month.

Every Monday weigh in for 4 weeks!

September 5th Post results - after photo with scale pic

September 6th Winner will be announced. Winner will be person who lost the most body fat percentage since we all are different weights.

Everyday post your food and 1 work out photo (after) This helps to keep us all accountable.

I hope all of us will post support for each other.
WE CAN DO THIS!

Join my fb Group Renew You:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/1565887227049050/

Do not be self-defeating

It truly is easy to fall into the land of negativity. It is so easy to just be lazy and choose not to eat healthy, and choose not to move and be active.  If only there really was an "easy button".  Let's be real though.  easier is not always better.  If being health was easy would it be worth it?
All I have is my own thoughts to compare to... when I was 130 and eating small amounts of calories... it was "easy" because I smoked to curb those cravings.  I didn't exercise and I didn't appreciate the hard work it took to be to thin, because I was still very unhealhy mentally and emotionally.  That was why it was so easy to fall back into the realm of the unhealthy.  I had my vanity but couldn't appreciate it the way I should have.  I remember looking at these photos... and verbally assualting myself because I did not love myself.  I was still "FAT".

This was just in 2009... I was mentally un-equipped to love myself.  It was so hard to see the beautiful woman standing there.

In 2010, I gave birth to another beautiful daughter..... my self image suffered.  I had believed this woman below was disqusing.

Today, I am larger than I've ever been.  I am embarressed to even allow myself to be photographed.

We enjoyed a family vacation and I was mortified by the physical condition of my body.  This has severly impacted my mind, heart, and physical conditios.

I want to LIVE and MOVE and LOVE.  I don't know about you... but I need to learn I AM WORTH IT>  It hurts don't get me wrong. I am tired, out of breath, and I struggle HARD.  However,  I have two beautiful "why's" that I want to see me LOVE ME so they can learn to Love themselves.  That beautiful woman next to be above.  That's my mother.... she too doesn't know how to love herself.

She is beautiful and cannot see it... she too is blinded by her self-hatred.  Your children watch and study you and learn from YOU.

I may be big, but I am beautiful.  I just need to remember it.

YOU ARE WORTH IT!

ULTIMATE RESET RESULTS

So it is official. I have completed the Ultimate Reset which was a 21-day cleanse and detox. This was by no means easy and I mean seriously it took a lot of dedication and I'm so proud that I only fell off the bandwagon like once. I started at 216 pounds and I am down to 200 pounds. I just want to thank my amazing epic team who has been so supportive and getting me through this. I now know what I'm capable of and I now know that I am strong enough to beat this illness that is obesity and mental illness of overeating. I refuse to let my food control me anymore has no control over me. I am here to live a long and healthy life with my kids and my husband and I will forever strive for that the rest of my life. If you want help contact me I will be your coach I will be your friend and I won't charge you a dime.

NEVER admit defeat

What a journey this has been... I was doing all too well.  Then I broke... last night I caved. I ate a delicious pastry, and half a brownie.  It is so hard having a household not on the same eating plan. It took little time for my body to physically reject all of that sugar.  I was up late sick to my stomach. You would've thought I ate a container of ice cream. Lesson learned!

It wasn't worth it... the guilt was ridiculous though. I mean I felt like I cheated on my spouse... silly I know.  It was horrible... I felt as though I had failed everyone and myself. That is when I realized the kind of pressure I was putting on myself. No wonder I caved and nearly had a mental breakdown over it.

It is ok to make mistakes. I am human, I love food.  Am I going to regain everything and let all my hard work go to waste! NO! I picked up right where I left off this morning. I was upset with myself, but I am working to learn to be more forgiving of myself. This is a repeated cycle that I really cannot afford to live with. I am ok, I am not going to die for eating some sweets and honestly it did not make me feel great so I don't desire to do it again.


Do not put yourself in this situation if you can avoid it.  You are allowed to enjoy food.  Just in the right times and portions. Do not use it to "feel good" which is what I attempted to do last night.  It didn't work. I felt worse and then I got sick.

Tomorrow is the 3rd phase of the reset and I am ready to rock this party!  Last day is July 5th! I can and I will complete this, and then I will move onto something new and incredible!  Are you going to join me?  Send me a message if your interested!

You are worth it!

https://youtu.be/ANz5rn1i1b0

Confidence

Yesterday was a bit rough for me. I was feeling insecure, tired, and stressed out about all these changes.  Today I woke up a bit more refreshed and motivated.  I can do this!  I am making some amazing changes and my body is certainly noticing.  I am beginning the detox process, and beginning to feel lighter.  Not just my weight, but my movements.  I can move a bit more comfortably with less pain.  It is amazing what kind of things help you feel better.  Honestly, I don't miss meat either! I love me some steak or bbq chicken, but right now that doesn't even sound appealing. I think that is partially due to the heat too! It is so much easier to focus on salads and light foods when it is so hot!

I've been thinking about my old habits and way of eating. Convenient that is what it was. It was convenient to eat what was around me. It was so much easier to pick up something on the go then to prepare a meal!  I also realized how much I over snack!  I do not need a snack every hour!  I was literally eating out of boredom!  I can accomplish great things without food in my mouth! haha!

I also am reflecting back to when I used to go eat out of habit. I wanted a break eat, or drink something like coffee.  I don't need 3-4 cups of coffee a day. Do I enjoy them? Yes!  However, there comes a point when habits are just that.  HABITS.  Something we need to break away from sometimes.  We don't NEED them, we want them. We rely on them for just a moment of comfort. Don't get me wrong... it isn't bad to indulge from time to time.  However, we move past the point of once in a while to a regular habitual basis. That is where the addication comes in.  It consimes our thoughts. It overwhelms our emotions.  Before we know it.... we HAVE TO HAVE IT!  Then the Binge eating comes in and you just cannot get enough.  

That is the problem for me.  This is why the Reset is so amazing for me. I am forcing myself to refocus on what I am eating and why I am eating it. I need to eat based on how it makes my body feel not my emotions.  My body enjoys the good healthy food. Honestly, the lack of meat it really beginning to become appealing to me.  Who knows.... maybe I will be primarily vegetarian.  I'm not rushing into anything, but I am not running back for a giant steak.

Thanks for reading my inner contemplations.  Hopefully, you can relate.

Reset Day 1 Vlogs

End of Day 1

First thing this morning.....

Reset Day 1

Today is the first day of my reset. I've been really anxious about this and of course messed up the first meal I didn't do anything wrong I just Ada sweet potato instead of the plan breakfast. Apparently you cannot deviate from the recipe list so now I have to go to back to the store and make sure I have enough. I did not realize it was going to be so complicated but I'm really glad and it's a learning process. I really want this to work so I'm going to follow through. Not going to lie I felt disappointment in myself and not following the directions clearly but that's going to change moving forward. I started today at 210 pounds and I am hoping to have a healthy weight by the end and at least just feel better. I've been feeling very lethargic lately stressed out and I'm hoping this will alleviate some of that. Bear with me as I clear my mind and get used to not having coffee. I'm no longer going to use those things as a crutch for comfort. Food is not my comfort. God is.

Progress

So I wanted to share my progress since I have begun this journey.  The first week I still ate a lot of sugar, this is the first week without sugar.  Look at those results!  I've lost 3.5 inches on my waist!  There are times when I feel weak, when I want to cave.  Then I look at this progression and I do not want to just give up!  I fear failure, but honestly everyday is a challenge and I cannot live my life fearing failure.  I am doing this... regardless of visual outcome. I feel so much better. I move with less pain (notice I said less).  I can bend over a little further and not wanna pass out. I can excercise a little harder and not want to cry.  I AM SO PROUD OF ME!  Thank you for experiencing this with me.

Getting that Momentum

Getting that momentum and keeping it is a struggle but not impossible.  It is so easy to backslide... to revert back to old routines.  This is an era of change, we can choose to go with the flow and adapt or just be stuck in the past.

I am so thankful God opened my eyes.  No more looking for a "diet" to lose the weight, I found something better... a new lifestyle.

FACTS

It is all about renewing your mindset. I admitted to be a binge eater. I accepted my addiction instead of changing it. I allowed my mind to believe that as a "FACT" of who I was. I am Danielle, not Danielle the food addict. I am a mom, wife, a child of God. That is a FACT. I am healthier today than I was last week. FACT.
God is so good (FACT) to help me to renew my mind, and see that I can be so much more than a number on the scale, or a box of donuts.

You can change your frame of mind, you have to choose to. No one else can but you. FACT

Baby steps + Dedication = Results

By the way after I recorded this video I did my measurements, and I am 2 inches smaller all around! All in 1 week!  I am stoked to see what I am capable of!

There will be challenges...

Let me be authentic

Ready set GO!

I managed to work out two days in a row... OUCH!  Yes, this is my place where I WHINE!  LOL!

Honestly, it was easier than yesterday.  Which I was suprised since I hurt so bad after yesterday.  I am glad I committed and followed through.  How many days does it take to make this a habit?  11?

This is a journey, a major one... one that will impact all of our lives in this household. It is interesting though, my kids are already noticing a change in me.  Not physically but emotionally and motivationally.  Amira has tried to work out with me both days, and Brenya is interested in running a 5k with me.  I told her our goal is to be able to do one by Novemeber.  (Hopefully sooner)  I just want to not hurt when I move.  It is disheartening to move off the couch, or bed and be so out of breathe.  Terrifying really... I am only 31!  I can be better than this. I WILL BE!

On another note, I have to wean myself off coffee!  EEP! Anyone who knows me... knows this is well it is going to be a rough week haha!  I love my coffee.....Oh well! It is only temporary!  Hopefully it doesn't bring on too many migraines.

Until next time.... Never Give Up!  (trust me, I have fallen countless times, thank God for being so grace filled)

Danielle

www.beachbodycoach.com/DJRENEW

It hurts...it is worth it!

Yesterday we helped my mother in law move in.... it HURT!  I mean whoa!  In my mind I was capable of so much!  I used to be capable of so much.  This is not to beat myself up, but to rant about my great accomplishment! I did it today. I got up, had coffee, enjoyed my morning. Then I committed to my first work out.  I did PiYo to try it out, and I definitely needed to do some modifying.  I literally felt like my head was going to pop off! Day 1 Done!

www.beachbodycoach.com/DJRENEW

Time to hit the reset button

Thank you to all of you who have been viewing my videos...

Welcome to the new chapter of my life.  I've had many "failures" in my healthy quest, but what is a challenge if sometimes you do not suceed?  Each time I fail, I remind myself it takes more strength and courage to get up and try again.  Fear can truly disable some.... however, Faith can conquer all!  God is able, and in him anything is possible.

Let me know if you are interested in trying the ultimate reset with me. I am excited to see what I am capable of!  Are you willing to challenge yourself with me?

Take a journey with me..

It just isn't that easy

5 days.. I did great for about 5 days.  I gave up sugar, and carbs!  Then.... I had a bad day.... KFC and convienence.  Then the next day I emotionally ate.  Then, my darling and supportive husband brought home COOKIES.  I love cookies. He said he "hid" them.  I have no self control... I do, but I am still learning and building it.

Self control self-control is the ability to resist temptation in the moment. - See more at: http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/mental-health/8-tips-to-improve-your-self-control#sthash.E2JRO0ok.dpuf

Instead of beating up myself for not being "good enough"  and for not having "self control" .  I am going to identify the things that I need to work on in order to be successful.  So far I have been able to identify 3 things.  This list may be modified as I learn more on my journey.

1. Self Control
2. Confidence
3. Time managment


This is not as daunting as I thought it would be.  Time to do some research and come up with a "plan".

Fear

Fear is such a disabling thing.  Fear controls your mind.  It tells you that you are not strong enough, and maybe I am not.  I don't feel strong, I feel weak.  This is the part that gets hard when you want to be in control and you just can't anymore.  Giving that to God is the hardest part.  It should be easy, it should be second nature.  Anything good for us is a struggle.

I am afraid of failure, you would think my fear of bad health and dying would be stronger.
I am afraid people will see the hurt in my heart that I use food to abuse myself.
I am afraid my addiction to sugar and food is going to consume me as I have consumed it.
I am fearful I will not be healthy enough to live to 80.  I am fearful my children with follow in my yo yo dieting unhealthy lifestyle. I am afraid they won't love themselves as much as I love them.

Frankly, I do not know how to love myself.I have been my own worst enemy longer than I have been a christian, or been capable of seeing God's love for me.  How do I break this process?  This chain of abuse!

I forgive myself.  I need to acknowledge what I have done.  I have eaten myself into 205 lbs of fear, self loathing, and regret.  I have allowed others to hurt my heart and I have not allowed myself to truly know God's love for me is REAL. He is hurting with me and I am not alone.

Danielle you are beautiful, you do not see it right now, because with the weight you see failure, fear, and anger.  You feel you deserve to be "fat", "ugly", and "miserable".  You eat to fill the hurt in your heart, but if you just see a glimpse of what God sees you will see you are loved. Every hair, every smile, every beautiful thought. You are loved by God, by your husband, by your children. You are worth the fight against yourself. So stop the self loathing and start FIGHTING.  Fight to be fit, because you love yourself not because of what other people think.  Be healthy for you.

When you ran you loved the feeling of accomplishment. You felt so PROUD, and you loved the way you felt. Not how you looked. It hurts to move now, is that how you want to feel the rest of your life?

I want to RUN, I want to Hike, I want to see the world.  Being HEALTHY gives you strength to RUN and see the world.  This has nothing to do with being Vain and Beautiful.  You are already beautiful... but now it is time to be HEALTHY so your children and one day your grand children can see you love yourself.

Revelation

Just watched some amazing videos from Isabel Foxen Duke (Helping women stop feeling crazy around food), I felt as though my innermost dark thoughts just broadcasted to the world.  Which was both horrific, and relieving.  Horrific because my initial thoughts were "OMG PEOPLE KNOW I AM A BINGE EATER", then relieving because I realized I am not alone! My relationship with food is such a negative one, which I never realized that it was correlating with my relationship with my body.  I have been "successful" before, at the before and after photo. See pictures of many before and afters and sizes over the years. The thing is I am the same woman in all of these photos, yet I look so different. There is one common denominator.  In every one of these photos regardless of the size, and number on the scale. I felt and believed I was fat.  I did not like the image until I got to the next heavy weight, then I would look back an reminice about the way I was, even though I knew that even when I was that weight I felt like I feel now. Ugly, Fat, and unlovable!  Obviously, I am WRONG. I am very much loved, and I am beautiful regardless of the different sizes I have featured.  I have a lovely smile, and my eyes hold joy of the love I have for my family.  The person who is unlovable is the person I cannot stand. I don't like my body, and I can be any size and I still never like my body. I have dieted sucessfully and also not so successfully. I binge eat and I punish myself with eating. I punish myself with withholding food, I obsess over the calories and the food.  My problem isnt food, or even binge eating. It is the way I feel about ME.  I am tired of weight obsessing, I am tired of being the before and after photo.  I need to love me NOW.  Not just my weight, but ME. My face, my eyes, my curves, and my mind.  Once I fix my mindset, I can look more about my heart and health.  I keep wanting to teach my children how to be health concious, but the most important type of health is mental health.  If we are not mentally strong and stable we cannot begin to look at ourselves in a positive light.  I need to learn to be confident, and then teach my chidren how to be confident and show them what that looks like.