Confidence... where can I get some?

Today I had a lovely Dr. Appointment. There is nothing like facing the truth like stepping on the scale and discussing the inevitable. I gained.... 188 lbs total give or take 3 lbs as it was late in the afternoon.  I discussed my emotional eating and how I find myself hiding and binge eating late in the evening.  I love that I have a physician that is all about helping me find a solution.  In the middle of our conversation I stated that I think the major issue is with me. I don't feel the confidence I used to have when I was fighting to quit smoking and lose weight.  7 years ago I was so strong. Today I feel weak and defeated.

I was demoted from a job I worked hard to achieve. I recieved verbal and emotional abuse.  I was overworked, and frankly isolated. ( I realize I am still trying to stop beating myself up, it was a failure but not on my part. I still cannot help but blame myself and pick myself apart)

I found a position I LOVED, worked for people I thought I had a reason to admire and wanted to look up to.  I was over worked, and I tried so hard to gain approval and find my self confidence again in a job.  Was I perfect? Absolutely not, but I certainly worked hard to grow and change and learn in an industry I had never experienced.  I received verbal abuse and felt I was never good enough. I never saw my family and yes that hurt my heart. It took a toll on my self esteem and my self worth.

Finally I have settled for a job I felt would be easy. I spend more time at home then I have in a long time. I am not as good at keeping up the housework, the kids, and the projects. I feel I am constantly failing and constantly failing at life.  It is a regular struggle, I am pulled in so many different directions.

This blog is not just a self pity session. It is a place to open my heart so I can move passed some of it. This is a way I can initiate a plan, to rebuild my self image.  I am not my job(s). I am not defined by my mistakes or failures. I learn from each of these experiences and I see God is moving to build my character not tear it down.

The doctor provided some resources to help me jumpstart my weightloss, and to assist me in relearing to love myself.  Depression is so real and so painful for even the happiest of people.  I am looking forward to regaining myself and my self worth.

I AM WORTH THIS BATTLE.