I am not what I eat!

We grow up in a society where we feed our desires... mostly with food, drinks, or other substances.
As a girl, there was no boundaries made for my eating habits. If I wanted candy I got some, if I wanted cookies.. I ate them.  Vegetables were out of cans and macaroni was as common to our dinner table as broccoli... usually served with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes.

I loved food... except peas... you couldn't force me to eat peas to save my life...still I will pick around them to this day.

Our eating patterns are learned. I am not saying my parents should have taught me to count calories or how to cut carbs. It would've been useful to understand and know the nutritional information on a box though, and to have known that not all veggies came from a can.  I don't blame them for their lack of knowledge. To this day they too struggle with healthy eating.  I want to break this cycle though. My girls are well.. girls. We obess over our looks and the way we feel in our skin, clothes. I cannot protect them from their own self image. I can however, provide tools to live a healthy lifestyle.  I can provide them knowledge.  I can help them gain an interest.. not in calorie counting, but information regarding what sort of foods fuel them, but not just teach them how to induldge.

I mean think of it... in movies a big break up... tv, tissues, and a quart of ice cream and a spoon to cure the ache in our hearts.  We are trained in society to heal our wounds with a sweet treat.

I stress.. I want a cookie.  I'm sad... I need and ice cream cone.  I'm hangry... MUST HAVE HOT FRIES.

Sure, it is nice to indulge from time to time... however, for me... it is a thin line.  I leap head first into over-indulgence... I spin out of control and before I know it.... 30 lbs in and I have a distorted mental image of health and happiness.

Thinking back.... I find myself wondering How did I go from 176 lbs to 130lbs during 2007-2008. I was miserable...I smoked... I counted every calorie within 2 inches from my mouth.  It worked yes... however, I'd rather not go back to smoking to curb my appetite. I'd rather choose to be healthy and not try to find the 130 lb woman, but get to a point that movement and running feels good again. Fina myself in a place that I wake up and look in the mirror and over analyze myself to find.. I am beautiful with my stripes of child bearing honor.  My goal isn't to squeeze into a bikini. I am trying to fall in love with me. Just as God has been so kind to love me... I want to view the beautiful woman he sees. Because frankly, most the time... I am pretty disgusted with my image.... In photos I want to just cry. I am embarressed to even think of climing in a pool this summer.

I would love to tell you that I am writing this just to encourage myself and others... sometimes we need to face the ugly truth to be able to push past it. THE UGLY IS.......I binge eat when my husband is in the other room. On my way home from work, or the grocery store if no one is with me I'll by a few things.. candy.. pastries.. I will inhale them before  I get to the front door so no one can see.  Shameful, I know.  I feel so good for a moment and then my guilt sets in.  It is NOT worth it... I need to believe that. I need to say that to myself daily.  It is possible... to say NO to a craving.